OLIU’S OUTLOOK: DORES
September 20, 2017
DEAD MILKMEN: THE POD IS UP
October 5, 2017

Oliu’s Outlook!

ED NOTE: His finest work to date. Literrati of some note, Brian Oliu, dives deep into the Vandy walloping and takes a look at Ole Miss.

Oh god what have we done

 

It really wasn’t supposed to be like this, Vanderbilt! Your stout defense was much more like a light pilsner shout out to DRUID CITY BREWING COMPANY where BREWING is our FATHER’S SURNAME if we are adhering to Spanish naming rituals!

 

Folks from Tuscaloosa haven’t wrecked Nashville that badly since Hayley got engaged her senior year of college in order to have a candlelight ceremony at the Alpha Chi house but then realized that she really didn’t want to marry this 22 year old goober who was half thinking about law school and half thinking about med school and half thinking about business school who will inevitably just go work for his dad’s business in the suburb of Atlanta and so her and her friends are taking a party bus for her bachelorette party and she has always thought about going to graduate school and following her dreams but now she has fallen into a heteronormative trap and has to go with the whims of some man that she hooked up with once at a date party & yeah, she guesses that this is what love is, & yeah, it might not be anything like that, but he’s pretty nice to her most of the time, and he comes from a good family, so, yeah, this is a good idea, she tries to convince herself and her friends while buying a cute pair of teal accented cowboy boots and going line dancing while drinking a bucket full of fruit-flavored alcohol for three days straight leaving behind a path of destruction and sadness at what might have been because who knows when she’ll feel joy again because to her joy has always been associated with freedom and from this point forward she will be referred to as “Mrs. Hayley” and “the old woman of the group” even though she has always felt young at heart, I mean, she’s still just a baby–just a few short years ago she was too young to see an R-rated movie by herself, and now she’s getting married to Todd or Hunter or Christian or Caleb and if they can’t agree on what movies to watch (he doesn’t even like movies–they go on too long for his attention span) how are they going to agree on the larger things in life because as long as she’s known him he’s been completely indecisive–I mean, with this whole law school thing, he hasn’t even BOUGHT a book about the LSAT but he thinks that he can just walk in and be great at something, which is SO ANNOYING because she works really hard and gets really great grades and he continually makes fun of her for how hard she works and keeps claiming that if he actually worked hard at something he’d have a better GPA than her, but he’s fine with his 2.7 because when it really comes down to “crunch time” he’ll be able to get a good grade when he actually does try and don’t get Hayley wrong, she does love him, she really does, but forever is a long time you know and we should do another shot because the giant cloud of growing older hovers over us all like the balloons that girl Hunter brought into the party bus and no matter what happens girls, we’ll always have each other and we’ll always have nashville and I love you bitches so much let’s get some motherfucking cheese fries

 

YEAH IT WAS THAT BAD

It got so bad that even the Gumpiest of Bama fans had no idea who was scoring touchdowns and would have to make stuff up like “Oh…yeah, #59, that’s that kid out of Georgia, right?” like when you were 15 years old and someone would ask you if you liked a particular band & all you listened to was Mariah Carey’s Music Box & you’d just lie & say “uh yeah, they rock”

 

We even had two kids from Tuscaloosa County score touchdowns in the same game! The dream of 2003 is still alive BABY

 

Anyway, Vandy put their anchors down & were like “oh well I guess we can’t really move anywhere” & our run blocking was some of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen and I’ve been to FRANCE

 

That’ll teach you to MILDLY SUGGEST THAT YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE AN EFFORT AGAINST ALABAMA.

 

GAMEDAY SNACK OF THE WEEK

 

PIZZA

 

Fuuuuuck yeah pizza. Pizza is so good. Have y’all ever had it? YOU SHOULD TRY IT

 

I’m from New Jersey, birthplace of “well actually, our pizza is better than yours believe it or not”. We are fucking serious about pizza. My family has been getting pizza from the same place for twenty years. Every Friday is pizza night. One day, my dad called and no one picked up the phone. Next week, nothing. Finally, my dad DROVE to the shitty stripmall (it’s so shitty it has a Staples in it so you know it’s bad) and there was a note on the door that was like “thanks for your years of business” & it was GONE just like that. My dad was incredibly depressed. That is until ONE DAY he was in the supermarket & noticed SAL THE PIZZA GUY working the pizza counter at the Shop-Rite & I’m pretty sure it was exactly like those youtube videos where they leave the family dog in Wyoming to move to their NEW FANCY HOUSE IN CHICAGO and the goddamn puppy comes TEARIN’ THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD and the kids are overjoyed & the husband and wife are like “oh that dopey dog, we really should’ve put him in a bag with rocks and thrown him in a geyser” and I’m pretty sure Sal was like “oh great, this guy” so now my dad CALLS THE SHOP-RITE and they make the pizza ahead of time so he can go pick it up! They put the BAR CODE on the bottom so he can USE SELF-CHECKOUT to save time. It is BATSHIT INSANE.

 

(also if I’m being real with y’all, there are much better pizza parlors near our house but that’s a secret alliance between me & my mother)

 

Anywayyyyy in Tuscaloosa, my go-to pie is LITTLE ITALY & it is perfectly serviceable! It’s not going to win PIZZA #1 AWARDS or anything, but it’s really good at the end of the night even though it’s pretty obvious that they just make plain pizzas & then put toppings on at the end like some rubes. However sometimes the CRIMSON2GO people accidentally get stoned at the same time (rather than their usual rolling stoned technique) and it randomly shuts down so you have to order from WHOEVER WILL GET A DISC OF CHEESE AND BREAD TO YOUR HOUSE & I just gotta say, Domino’s ain’t never let me down. Except one time they delivered a pizza at like 10pm & then tried to deliver ANOTHER PIZZA at 2am & scared the shit out of me & my cool wife because 1. We were drunk. 2. We had already eaten one pizza which will absolutely PUT YOUR ASS TO SLEEP

 

This is all to say that y’all should get like us & make sure to get yourself an EMERGENCY FROZEN PIZZA for those particularly raucous home games. Gotta get ready. Like Saban says, you put the work in during the week & reap the rewards when it’s gametime, baby.

 

OLE MISS

 

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Is there anything better than a sanctimonious religious holier than thou person getting busted for sinfulness? The answer is “yes, when they are the head coach of a rival SEC football team.” My favorite thing has been people rushing to defend him “oh we should be there in his time of need, the devil has turned him away, he made one mistake!” lol sure. Like he’s been a godly man this entire time and this is his one transgression. Rule of thumb is that when you double & triple down on the evangelicalism, chances are you’ve done some weird shit in your life. I’m a lapsed Catholic and I’ve never been arrested in my life, so y’all should get with the program. But the second I start busting out my TRANSUBSTANTIATION IS THE ONLY TRUE WAY YOU’RE DRINKING REAL BLOOD TONIGHT HEATHENS I will absolutely get popped for indecent exposure.

 

Do you think Hugh left a voicemail? That’d be great. Do escorts have voicemail set up? I bet you their mailbox is full. It’s just the best when your only defense is “no no, I hired the women for ME, not for high school seniors! It’s totally chill!”

 

Ole Miss is a perfect microcosm of the confederacy because they’ve never won anything yet they’re super big into consolation prizes.

 

While we’re in the business of tearing down Confederate statues, I’d be cool if we just knocked down all of Ole Miss & let John T. Edge build a giant food court in its place. Honestly, would you rather have Ole Miss or a lump crab cake with remoulade sauce served on a sweet tea infused grit cake on top of a piece of pickled and charred okra? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT

 

Ole Miss suuuuucks. They’re such bougie assholes. Eli Manning went there. That’s pretty much all you need to know about that Young Americans For Freedom mixer excuse for a institution of higher education.

 

I’m gonna throw this out there: I’m pretty sure they’ve lost a party. Y’all have been to some parties where you’ve definitely taken an L. We don’t need to talk about the time you threw Four Loko up in some stranger’s sink, but to claim you’ve never lost a party is delusional at best, you goons.

 

One of my BFFs (that stands for best friends forevers) got a degree from Ole Miss! She is an infinitely impressive & wonderful person, yet most impressive of all is her remaining an impressive & wonderful person despite spending more than a fortnight in Oxford, Mississippi. I would also like to state for the record that she has never rooted for Ole Miss a day in her life, is a diehard Alabama fan, & once held seats for me during the COLDEST GAME EVER (2008 MissisTIVE LITERATURE

 

Those seniors who lost to Ole Miss twice (gross) are going to be pretty hype to stomp a mudhole in these bowtie dweebs. Ole Miss? More like SWISS MISS because Y’ALL POWDER SOFT AND EASILY DISSOLVABLE IN WATER ROLL TIDE

 

*googles real quick to make sure there’s not a third Nkemdiche brother*

 

OH WE GOOD

 

Alabama 38-Ole Miss LOVE YOU FOREVER NAT

 

O’Connor >>>>>>>> Faulkner all day every day. I can say this because I have a degree in COMPARA

 

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