ED NOTE: Friend of the Show and Friend of the Heroes, Brian Oliu, dropped by HH Global HQ and we asked him for this thoughts on the upcoming season. Hero Brian did not disappoint, delivering a 13 part opus previewing the Tide’s season. Brian’s a real-life writer so don’t hold us to his standard. FIRST UP: Oliu on the Noles….
ALABAMA PREVIEW YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH 5K
Greetings and salutations fellow Alabama Crimson Tide fans and/or Auburn fans out here tryin’ to understand “both sides of the story” lol jk you Lee County aristocats are like The Snake’s (RIP) #12 high end Steakhouse (RIP): you don’t get ANY SIDES
What an off-season, huh? As Alabama off-seasons go it was a pretty good one in the fact that there was ONLY ONE ARREST (that we know of!) which is PRETTY GOOD if you ask me! One time at a house party in 2006 I had 2 much Sparks Malt Energy drink to the point where I was up until 4am in the morning drunkenly explaining to some art student about how Shula should RUN THE OPTION with Jimmy Johns and we could call it AIRPLANE MODE (which did not exist yet because data on PHONES was a foreign concept, also airplanes had not been invented yet) when they were like “brian let’s go to the waysider” & I was like “ok” & so we walked down Greensboro and IT WASN’T OPEN so we fell asleep in the gravel parking lot. Let’s just say it was UGLY (shoutout to legendary Bama Hoops fan and true american idol Bubba Sparxx, double sparks references! Jordin Sparks! TRIPLE DOUBLE SPARKS REFERENCES! LISA LESLIE) but the important thing is that we MADE GOOD CHOICES and slept it off instead of trying to bang down the door and destroy a Daniel “Roy” Moore painting of, I don’t know, a Jamie Christianson knuckle puck or whatever it is we made paintings of before we hired GRUMPY WEATHER CHANNEL DAD. Also there was ham!
Anyway, FOOTBALL IS HERE and this means your Saturdays are simultaneously FUN and RUINED until January! Do you ever wonder how PEACEFUL your life would be if you did not care about college football? You could make a nice Saturday dinner with a side salad that has dried cranberries! You could casually ask folks later in the day to see if we had won the football game or not in order to stay atop the cultural zeitgeist and be completely unaffected by the response! Your conversations with your dad could be even more awkward because there’s nothing to talk about except weather and grandma! You could watch the NFL on Sundays not hungover (but why)
Look dawg, I love poems & the pedagogical stance that socio-constructivism is the best way to reach potential learning outcome initiatives, but I’m mostly looking forward to see if Brian Daboll is going to wear the ceremonial Lane Kiffin oversized windbreaker! Also, to like, see Da’Ron Payne take two unsuspecting offensive lineman and smoosh them together like when you are making hamburgers and you have a little bit of groundbeef left over so instead of making another tiny burger you make a GIANT BURGER shoutout to all of my grillmasters out there! SATURDAYS ARE FOR THE BOYZ BUT GENDER IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT THE SAME WAY DAYS OF THE WEEK ARE SO ALL TIME IS FOR EVERYONE WOOOOO
I’m so hype rn
If you’re anything like me (no one is like me) I’m never more calm than when we are losing a football game! During the week I am an absolute mess and overly courteous to everyone in fear of accidentally saying the wrong thing to make the football lokis unhappy so all of a sudden I’m trying to find positive things to say about Butch Jones which is REALLY FUCKING HARD okay because he is if Buzz from Home Alone said “you know what, my little brother Kevin can easily survive the next few days–even if the Wet Bandits are real, they’re only interested in monitary possessions and judging by the fact that we order significant amounts of pizza with multiple toppings, much to the chagrin of myself and my brothers, we can afford a net loss, after all, we are taking a family vacation to Paris in the early 90s, when the French economy was in the period of Trente glorieuses, so I’m just going to allow things to be the status quo from here on out and just deal with the cards that I have been given as opposed to attempting to recruit outside of the state of Tennessee because surely that will be enough to compete, and even if I don’t, I have subjected myself to a life of spoiled mediocrity based upon my haircut and my parents’ financial situation, so why don’t I just get into college coaching?” BUTCH, YOUR SECONDARY, WOOF.
When we’re winning, I’m like ‘WELL WE MIGHT BE WINNING NOW, BUT WE CAN’T PULL THIS AGAINST LSU BECAUSE THEY’RE GONNA’ blah blah blah as if somehow college football was this predictable monster as opposed to having a different set of parameters that operate from week to week. I wonder if we do this in our everyday lives? Like, when I’m driving down McFarland Boulevard (lol jk only amateurs take McFarland, LURLEEN WALLACE/JACK WARNER 4ever) & I’m like “whew, I was able to get right there with no problem. BUT I BETTER NOT TRY THAT ON SUNDAY WHEN THE CHURCH OF THE HIGHLANDS IS GETTING OUT FROM WHATEVER JESUS PODCAST TAPING SESSION WITH CLUB LIGHTING HAPPENS
When we’re losing I’m like this SUPER SPIRITUAL guru who tries to stay mas tranquilo as the people around me believe that Gary Danielson has somehow crafted a voodoo curse on our team by simply stating that our cornerback was out of position. Why am I so chill in the face of impending doom? Why is it only when the Tide is down 3 with 11:14 left in the 1st quarter that I allow myself to get free of the stranglehold that Alabama football anxiety has over me? Is this a human condition? Allowing ourselves to be forever pessimistic so that when true adversity arrives you have been there before, thus lessening the blow? Alabama has lost a football game in the most awful way imaginable and we have the human embodiment of the Kick-Six as president (HOUNDSTOOTHHEROES IS FAKE NEWS), so, I mean, I’m pretty goddamn bulletproof right?
Nick Saban has this great quote about how he hates losing more than he likes winning. It’s a perfect Nick Saban quote! It’s exactly what you want your sociopath football coach to say! Hell yeah! However, in Saban’s ultimate plan to turn us all into PROCESS SABAN-BOTS the fanbase has taken on this mantra–losing suuuuuucks. But winning is pretty dope! & the fear of losing a football game will DRIVE YOU BONKERS. Nick Saban gets paid to be an obsessive curmudgeon! The rest of us get paid to, hell, I don’t know what your job is, kind reader, maybe you’re a taxidermist, but I trust that your job is to make sure that bobcat’s face is stuffed with packing peanuts (I don’t know how animals work) instead of wondering if Jerry Jeudy is, in fact, *too* good, meaning he’ll leave us in three years and then our WR depth chart could be completely skewed in 2020. If you think like Saban, YOU WILL DIE because Nick Saban is from West Virginia and is forged out of black lung and his father’s car dealership hub caps and pepperoni rolls, and you were born in Vestavia.
Therefore it is my goal to have THE MOST FUN EVER this season because the last thing I want to do is be one of those people who broke one of the four TVs at Egan’s because we went 3-and-out in our first possession.
Unfortunately for me, I’m never having more fun in regards to college football than when I am meticulously combing over stats and freaking myself out over Mercer’s ability to spread us out because we’re gonna be LOOKIN’ AHEAD TO THAT GUSTAVO BUSTAVO
SO! In order for me to enjoy the gamez I figured it would be best to just chart THE ENTIRE SEASON so that we can just CHILLAX and enjoy a Druid City Northporter and laugh and laugh and laugh at ESPN trying to sell us on a BIG TEN FOOTBALL MATCHUP that you know is going to end 13-7.
Oh God, these assholes. What a bunch of sanctimonious South Georgia mouthbreathers who say some nonsense like UNCONQUERED because the Seminole tribe didn’t sign a treaty with the United States so that some white dude can wear a headdress made out of Bud Lite cans in the student section. Florida State is country stars rapping. The kid playing Osceola this year is named Brendan. I have been to Tallahassee! Multiple times! It is fine. It has literally the longest traffic lights in the world. One time I was sad about a relationship so I drove the 5 hours to Tallahassee and drunkenly sang Madonna’s “Crazy For You” in a bar that might’ve been in a shopping mall. There is a bar called “Waterworks” where the walls literally cry.
I have a lot of people in my life who have DEGREES from Florida State but want their football team to fall into the swamp. Alabama fans complain about SIDEWALK ALUMNI but have you ever met a FSU fan who went there? FSU fans were all Miami fans in the early 90s but things got a little 2 Live Crew & they were like “whoa calm down I liked swagger at first but now this has gone a little too far you know who I really like? CASEY WELDON.”
FSU fans are the people who wear all sorts of military shit even though they’ve never served in any capacity nor do they know anyone who served, but they’ve logged a bunch of sweet kill streaks in Call of Duty. SEMPER FI PRESS X TO TOMAHAWK CHOP
Jimbo believes the stripper when she tells him “he’s not like other guys”.
My favorite FSU thing ever was on a message board where a guy tried to explain that Jameis didn’t know the proper way to purchase and pay for crab legs because there’s a chance that he would go to Winn-Dixie for crab legs and there you pay for everything at the counter instead of waiting to be checked out so it was a simple mistake, like you’d go to Winn-Dixie instead of Publix for fresh seafood gtfoh
Charlie Ward wore #21 for the Knicks which is the number that they give you when the entire fanbase hates you.
Kool Beanz Cafe is really delicious though.
Alabama 34-FSU 27