Everyone dreams of a night of boozing with the coach of their favorite team. Only a few of us know that glory and lived to tell the tale. But blessed with imagination and the gift of gab, your Heroes present: Getting weird with the coaches of the SEC West…
What you drink: Long Island iced tea
Weirdness level: 5
Seconds after entering the bar, he orders his drink and yells whatever slogan high schoolers were saying last month. The drink arrives in a fish bowl, and nobody thinks he’ll actually finish it. To the entire bar’s amazement, he does. After some taunting, and setting some haters straight on Twitter, he disappears. Nobody hears from him again until the night is finished.
What you drink: Miller 64
Weirdness level: 6
He doesn’t enjoy beer but understands the importance of appearances. He got stuck on Miller 64 after discovering he can drink it dangerously fast. Afterward, he offers to pay for your Waffle House. Then he asks if you want to go anywhere else. Maybe go check out that big-as-hell Jumbotron? Literally, anywhere. Maybe one more 64 at your place? Finally, he agrees to go home to his adoring and totally pleasant wife.
What you drink: Fireball
Weirdness level: 7, in the best way
Everybody’s already forgotten what crazy nights were like before Fireball hit the scene. In the spirit of being a good Southern host, you overindulge a bit. By the end of the night you have more swag than Kingsbury, better dance moves than Dabo, and somebody has taken a compromising Snapchat of you on stage. In the morning, you wake up, down some Pedialyte, and transfer.
What you drink: O’Doul’s
Weirdness level: 8, in the worst way
“Timmy introduced me to these,” he says, smiling like a drunk possum. He starts to tell you a lot of “Timmy” stories, in fact. Timmy story after Timmy story after Timmy story. After a few more, he’s become a blubbering mess, confessing his hate for Starkville and how he wishes he and Timmy could’ve gotten that chateau outside Salt Lake City.
What you drink: Grass-infused bathtub gin
Weirdness level: 9.5
Everything happens in a dreamlike haze. He casually totes a hookah into T.G.I. Friday’s and explains to you his appreciation for “the refiner things of life,” as he rolls up his sleeve for a triple order of potato skins. The wait staff keeps calling him “Archduke von Chocula” and winking at you. As the night goes on, you begin to realize he’s the most eloquent sonuvabitch you’ve ever heard. On the way home, he wins $1,500 off a scratch-off ticket.
What you drink: All the Miller Lites
Weirdness level: 10, because it’s only Tuesday
The night hits its apex of weirdness as ol’ Bert wagers your left pinkie on a 4-8 off-suit at the Hold ‘Em table at Bally’s in Tunica. (He wins and slaps you on the butt.) You assume the night is over once the place has finally run out of Miller Lites, only to walk into the bathroom to find Bert throwing back shots of mouthwash with the towel attendant. You wake up covered in cheese curds, dressed as a rodeo clown.
What you drink: Budweiser
The weirdness level: -20 or 20, depending on how you look at it
Nobody appreciates a “macrobrewery” quite like the Process architect himself. You’re given no choice but to drink a few warm ones in a dark room, only lit by the glow of Nick’s Bryant-era film projector. You don’t talk. He doesn’t talk. It is what it is.