ED NOTE: NO NEED. IF YOU AREN’T READING THIS SHIT BY NOW, WE CAN’T HELP YOU AND YOUR UNFUNNY SELF.
OH NO WE SUCK AGAIN
Yes it appears as if our dynasty is over for the twenty-fifth consecutive year because we fell asleep in creepy-ass Church of the Highlands Field because we went ahead & filled up on honeybuns before the game & had a massive sugar crash with 8 minutes left in the 4th quarter. The apocalypse is upon us! LA FIN DU MOND(E)
We are most definitely in that part of the year where it is revealed that every college football team is BAD because every college football team is filled with 20 YEAR OLDS who are inherently not the absolute best in the world at the absolute best thing that they can plausibly do. Trust me, I KNOW. I teach 20 year olds on the REGULAR. They are really incredible students & have a lot of compassionate views about the world! They are dedicated and driven! But also they will email you without punctuation every once in a while & totally GHOST you because they got sleepy! Have you ever been in a relationship with a 20-year-old? Here’s a hint: DO NOT DO IT. Even if you’re 20! Do you know how many 20-year-olds I fell in love with when I was 20? LIKE ALL OF THEM. There have been a lot of NOSTALGIA PIECES about AIM lately! I feel nostalgic about it too! But I would rather give back at least TWO national championships than have any of my chat logs leaked from that horrible experiment in the failures of human interaction! ~***~~~***life is but a butterfly dream~~~*****~~~***
Anyway, sometimes we need a reminder that Texas A&M for all the nonsense we spout about them is actually a “pretty good football team” unlike the Oxford Jimmy Buffet Corona Light Knockoffs & the Nashville Easy Like Saturday 11am Kickoff On the SEC Networks. That Mond kid is going to BE A PROBLEM in a couple of years (not for us, for, like, Baylor after he inevitably transfers to Texas Tech or somewhere stupid like all of those A&M quarterbacks).
I hope everyone had a nice time in College Station, which sounds like the name of a shitty HA Edwards apartment complex. UNIVERSITY PORT. CAPSTONE POINT OF DEPARTURE. HIGHER EDUCATION HUB. THE CHIMES AT DENNY WORLD.
My cool wife once lived in CHURCHILL DOWNS which is a great name for an apartment complex that smelled like a Big Lots candle & a wet piece of pizza. I guess there’s nothing that says you can’t go around naming random 2br/1ba brick gulags after the most iconic thoroughbread racetrack in the world, so why the fuck not? Try explaining to your CRIMSON2GO (4 life, 2 sweet) driver that, yes, you live at Court Philippe-Chatrier at Stade Roland Garros. My bathroom will now be called “Jordan-Hare Stadium II” because it is full of poop
My favorite name for one of these is MEREDITH MANOR because it just makes me think of a bunch of Merediths hanging out in a parlor smoking those long cigarettes. (NB: I have a friend named Meredith whom I love dearly & she would absolutely be game for this)
Anyway, we do this once a year where the fan base believes that we are untouchable & then we freak the hell out because CAN’T PULL THAT SHIT AGAINST AUBURN & then we *only* score 48 points the following week & before we know it we are a shell of a human being because we are constantly fearing the fall of our beloved Crimson Tide even though we promised ourselves that we would be super chill this year. I say this as someone who was hoping the refs would get punted into the West Texas night & felt alive for the first time since the election when Minkah picked that ball off at the goal line. ALABAMA FOOTBALL! IT LOOKS FUN BUT IT ISN’T!
GAMEDAY SNACK OF THE WEEK
With all of these goddamn late games you need to set a good base for your entire day of debauchery and stress drinking so you need a totally balanced breakfast! It is the most important meal of the day! (™)! Breakfast! It’s What You Eat!
I don’t know if you’ve ever thought to make hashbrowns by yourself but it is a goddamn pain in the ass. It’s next to impossible to get that totally fabulous ratio of POTATO! And CRUNCH! Because it just winds up turning into a soggy weird mess. The secret about potatoes is that they can take on an unbelievable & incredible form relatively easily but if you fuck that up it’s like eating a wet loofah. And if you’re eating a carb bomb nightshade you better make that shit count because everyone knows that potatoes are going to be the true death of all of us.
ENTER THE TARGET MARKET PANTRY FROZEN HASHBROWN PATTY
Holy shit, y’all. What a game changer. I would like to call this a FOOD HACK but it is literally “don’t buy a bag of frozen shredded hashbrowns you idiot, just buy these & shove them in the oven”. They are absolutely glorious. It’s like having a McDonald’s in your house, except with all of the sadness! Use that spray butter stuff & have yourself a FUCKING FANTASTIC MORNING while feeling bad for Lee Corso! I eat two and a half of them & I am FEELING GREAT.
I know there are some of y’all who are like “duh brian, you idiot, of course” but I KNOW there are people out there trying to make a perfect breakfast potato & ending up like 55% satisfied because hashbrowns seemed like a great idea on Friday night & you put in a bunch of work to eat something that tastes like plastic easter grass. These will change YOUR LIFE.
My dad’s side of the family is Catalan (perhaps you have heard of us! We are in the news! We thought fascism sucked before it was cool!), and one of the staples of Catalan food is tortilla de patatas (translation: POTATO CAKE). My grandmother makes a BOMB tortilla. It is literally potatoes, onion, eggs, and olive oil. It is super good, but it is a pain in the ass to make because you have to slice the potatoes really thin & cook the potatoes just right, & I haven’t even gotten to THE FLIP which any good Catalan/Asturian/Galecian/Castilian KNOWS AND DREADS. Anyway, I can either get my 86-year-old grandmother to make me an authentic Catalan meal OR I could go through the drivethru at BOJANGLES and get a BO ROUND which for some fucked up & magical reason tastes EXACTLY LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER’S COOKING. It is amazing. I don’t know how it is done (the hint, I think is grease and onion), but every time I get one it is like a beautiful nostalgia bomb & I am transported to my Oma’s kitchen/the base of Montjuïc on a June early evening when actually I am on 69 South halfway to MOUNDVILLE. HO SENTO, OMA
Seriously though, doesn’t it feel as if Bret Bielema has always been the coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks? I don’t mean to sully the good(?) names of HOUSTON NUTT or LOU HOLTZ but if you are like me and believe in the COLLEGE FOOTBALL MULTIVERSE the one constant is that Bret Bielema is always in Fayetteville sitting in an inner tube on a lazy river. Yes, we could live on EARTH 3 & Nick Saban is the coach of UAB (go blazers!) but ol’ Bert will still be our constant. I recently watched the MADE FOR NETFLIX MADE FOR TV MOVIE “Naked,” which stars a Wayans brother, Regina Hall and OUR ONE AND ONLY TRUE PRESIDENT DAVID PALMER FROM 24! Basically it is Brother Wayans’ wedding day and he wakes up NAKED (thus the name of the movie! It’s called Naked!) and has to keep reliving the day over and over again until he gets it right! Wow what a novel concept!
Anyway, at some point it is revealed that BRIAN MCKNIGHT is somehow one of the only people that knows that Wayans is going through this timeloop? Brian McKnight! The Back at One guy! They don’t really even acknowledge how strange this is, and it only happens for one throw away line that he knows what Groom Wayans is going through, but I love the idea that BRIAN MCKNIGHT is the shining beacon of truth and permanence in a messed up world. Bret is that for us. Thank you, Bret, for keeping us grounded to the rules of physics. You threw out the life line / just in the nick of time in the form of a tight end lateral that took a perfect bounce into a running back’s arms to convert a 4th and eternity to put us into the SEC Championship. May all of your arrangements be edible.
Also constant is that the Alabama fanbase does not give two shits about Arkansas which is why
IT IS HOMECOMING! I love the SHIT out of homecoming. Basically, I’m a sucker for a parade. My favorite parade of all time is when Deontay Wilder won the heavyweight championship & we had a parade that at the end of, he was like “hey, everyone let’s join the parade!” & then everyone who was watching was then IN THE PARADE as we walked to the amphitheatre. It was AWESOME. Also, Deontay & I have the same dermatologist! She is a terrifying Russian woman with perfect skin who scolds me for not wearing sunblock 24/7. I love her so much. Every time she yells at me, I want to be like “well at least I don’t GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE on the regular I’m sure that shit is not good for your rosacea!” but, again, I am terrified of her. Growing up in Central NJ, I have a simultaneous attraction/fear of Eastern European women. I married a woman named Tasha for chrissakes.
My favorite tradition is BOOING THE SHIT OUT OF the law school float! There are two types of UA law students: ones that will contribute value to society through upholding the standard of our civil and governmental institutions, and those that will be blackout drunk on the law school float during the homecoming parade. I often yell things like “your classmates are studying right now” because they are. It’s fine. They’ll just move to Smyrna and *boom boom boom* and a *cash register sound* and take your money.
SPEAKING OF TRADITION our homecoming theme this year is SWEET HOME CAPSTONE which is a massive deviation from previous years! I mean last year it was LEGENDARY LEGACY and before that was FOREVER CRIMSON and TIDE TOGETHER and THE TRADITION ROLLS ON so obviously we don’t just open thesaurus DOT gov & look for some basic platitudes. Just really looking forward to one year where our homecoming theme is HA HA HA FUCK OLD PEOPLE SPEED GRAY IS AN OFFICIAL COLOR OF CRIMSON TIDE ATHLETICS NOW
Ol’ Bert might not make it to halftime. He’s always looked like Bebop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but right now he’s definitely flashing red & our running back corps is like having infinite jump & attack special combos.
Texas A&M made us BLEED OUR OWN BLOOD so get prepared to hear human khaki pants Todd Blackledge spit on and on about Austin Allen’s toughness as their offensive line gets speed-rushed into finely shredded strands of pork.
Alabama 48-Arkansas 13