HOMECOMING HAWG: THE POD
October 13, 2017
October 19, 2017

OLIU’S OUTLOOK!


TENNESSEE

 

More like ARKANSAD

 

Did everyone have a productive homecoming? I did! It was such a productive homecoming that I CAME HOME with like 6 minutes left in the 3rd because I spent the ENTIRE DAY looking at these beautiful sorority sweatshop mosaics & drinking a bloody mary & watching tiny children get tired of holding twirling batons & I’m pretty sure that at that point even NICK SABAN was bored & that man likes the most boring things on the planet. We joke a lot about how our Dear Leader is this cranky malcontent, but the honest truth is that he just likes super boring things. The Weather Channel. Grilled chicken salads. Generic inspirational Hollywood blockbusters about overcoming adversity. The Eagles. Nick Saban is #basic & I think that’s what makes him so endearing. He’s just like us! I mean, if he let it slip that he’s a fan of the anti-film nuances of  Krzysztof Kieślowski’s Three Colours trilogy & wondering when Deerhoof is going to release a new album it would FREAK US THE FUCK OUT. Instead he’s like “beep boop I’m a multi-millionaire with a Mercedes dealership & I drive a fancy sports car that is one of the first cars you unlock in Forza 7” & exists with like, zero quirks except for being a Catholic Democrat in Alabama. Love that dude. Anyway, on my walk home I heard the crowd cheering for “thank god there’s no such thing as college football fantasy football teams or else I’d have to hear about how Ruggs III only catches touchdowns and I’m not sure if that he’s a good play this week” & I knew we had an embarrassment of riches because have you ever tried to BUY A RUG because that shit is EXPENSIVE let alone THREE! Like geez are you made of Iranian rials or what!? Anyway, I ate a pizza & watched the rest of the game on silent, which I imagine is how Arkansas boosters witnessed the end of the game as they needed the volume down so they listen to Jerry Jones’ office’s on-hold music as they try to hit him up for some cash to bring in, idk, Mike Riley or some shit.

 

While I’m a little sad that we didn’t get to Attitude Adjustment Austin Allen, it’s probably for the best because we got the Tuscaloosa Amphitheater Bro-Country Opening Act Named Cole Kelly, aka the FAYETTEVILLE KAIJU looking like the confused terrorizing baby from Honey I Blew Up The Baby out there. Every time he lined up I was like “what is that left tackle doing does he have a concussion, we gotta get him outta there” but then he would take a snap & throw it 35 yards with just his arm.

 

I went to Arkansas once! There are a lot of rock formations! It is a geological marvel! It is called THE NATURAL STATE! Yep! No silicone here! If you would like to know a fun fact about Arkansas, the TALLEST BUILDING in the state was once called THE TCBY TOWER. I am not making this up! This makes sense because Arkansas football is a vastly inferior version of something that is very good. Ol’ Bert’s recruiting technique has always been “hey, do you want a 6’3 310 lb FIVE-STAR prospect, OR you can have a 6’9 380 lb TWO-STAR prospect!?” Suckers every time.

 

(for what it’s worth, Auburn is definitely Blue Bell ice cream because weird psychos seem to love it unconditionally even though there’s a 44% chance that it will make you poop your stomach lining)

 

THAT BRINGS ME TO

 

CHEAT DAY SNACK OF THE WEEK

 

Lasagna! This is mostly an excuse to talk about how it is me & my COOL WIFE’S anniversary on Saturday! Isn’t it weird how we celebrate the anniversary of the first time you hooked up with someone? Weird how that shit works. I’M GONNA REMEMBER THE DAY WE MADE OUT FOREVER! It is very romantic. PLEASE CELEBRATE OUR LOVE

Anyway, since we decided that we loved each other during football season five years ago, we have to get clever on the occasions where there’s an Alabama homegame! Last year we totally risked it & got “reservations” at a Tuscaloosa restaurant during TAMU weekend, but for those who live in Tuscaloosa know that there’s really no such thing as reservations & more like “uh, yes we put your name on a list, we knew you were coming, but we can guarantee no such thing”. They tried to put us at “the chef’s table” which is just a fancy way of saying WE’RE PUTTING YOU AT THE BAR WITH OTHER PEOPLE ALSO IT’S HOT OVER THERE

 

It’s all good though because this year we’re making MOTHERFUCKING PASTA CAKE

 

Lasagna is so dope. When was the last time you allowed yourself to have lasagna? It is such a food that you eat when you’re like 20 & then you’re like “oh no I can’t be eating this food anymore I need to watch my health” & then you just deny yourself one of the greatest food items on this planet.

 

My mom makes lasagna for New Years! She uses the normal noodles. Tasha uses the NO BOIL noodles. I prefer the no boil, personally, because sometimes the boiled ones get overcooked & crunchy. This has caused MAJOR STRIFE in my life! I feel like I’m in an episode of EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND and I AM RAYMOND

 

I was a vegetarian for a year and a half (it was for a girl, it was so dumb) & the only lesson that I learned besides “Doritos are an acceptable meal,” is that the Stouffer’s Veggie lasagna is the best frozen food anyone can buy. That thing is just a giant salt & umami bomb. It is wonderful. I’m sure you can just dunk the entire thing in a slow cooker to really make your chili pop.

 

Lasagna is one of those foods where I had to google it because I was going to be absolutely certain that it was ACTUALLY American. But no! It has been around since the goddamn 14th Century! UPSET OF THE YEAR! I mean, if you ate lasagna in Italy it’d probably be the size of a postage stamp instead of GIANT MONSTER CHEESE SLAB but still the fact that the dish wasn’t invented by Mary Browning of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin in 1952 is honestly shocking to me. U-S-A! U-S-A!

 

WOOOO BOY IT’S THESE TURDS

 

What can be said about these Tennessee assholes that hasn’t been said before? I’m REALLY GOOD WITH METAPHORS and I’m even running out of ways to describe how much I hate these dweebs, but HERE GOES NOTHING:

 

Fuck these checkerboard stealing, purina dog chow logo swiping, swiperboy loving, hummus made with carrots blending, geological rock formation disrespecting, blood mixed with semen, phil fulmer was the third man at bash at the beach 1996, peyton manning made up his own nickname, false altruism, wig emporium denying smoky mountain masturbatory rocky top isn’t even a real place get yourself a real dog, pilot J coffee slugging, cigar smoke allergic ruby tuesday salad bar eating east tennessee orange juice and pizza vomit bags.

 

Peyton Manning has officially turned the corner to “creepy dude that keeps showing up to the undergrad party” since his retirement. He shows up in his dumb gingham shirt and sports coat and sunglasses looking like a Tuscaloosa student housing slumlord and awkwardly kisses every person he meets, except his head gets gradually skinnier the further down you go, so he’s pretty much just delivering a Samoan headbutt to everyone he sees and smooshes his aviators against their cheeks, probably getting seven pounds of foundation on his lenses. I mean, the first time he came by it was probably really fun! He might’ve brought some fancy bourbon! But now, he’s just the old desperate guy watching 19-year-olds dance in the back room of Gallettes to some song he doesn’t know but he’s nodding his gigantic head to it in an attempt to seem cool and hope that some drunk 20-year-old wants to hear about the time that he flew to Vegas on a whim with his buds just completely out of the blue man it was crazy I love those guys they’re my brothers say can I buy you a drink.

 

Full disclosure, I am a fan of the Indianapolis Colts football team. I went to Miami to see them win the most boring Super Bowl of all time. It was awesome. A Saints fan spilled coconut rum on my Jim Harbaugh jersey (okay, that’s another full disclosure–I own a #4 Colts away jersey) and gave me this WEIRD MEDAL that allowed me to get into any NFL sanctioned event and so my dad & I went to the after party at this hotel & ate little cupcakes and drank champagne. It is one of my most cherished moments with my dad. Also PRINCE PENIS GUITAR!!!!

 

That being said, Peyton Manning is the absolute WORST. Being freed from having Peyton Manning be your quarterback was this thing that felt awful at the time, but in retrospect was this incredible weight that was lifted off of my shoulders. I no longer had to worry about him looking like a bag of trash when playing the Patriots! I didn’t have to defend him not showing up in playoff games against Pittsburgh, San Diego, New Orleans, the list goes on, etc.

 

Honestly, if Peyton Manning ever winds up missing, it is probably because #88 (we don’t use his name in these streets) finally got tired of his Vineyard Vines ass.

 

When we had the Panthers-Broncos Super Bowl, people were like “oh this is an easy pick for you–don’t you want to see Peyton go out on top?” & if I’m being honest, it was REALLY HARD even though the Panthers had the biggest dickbag on the planet as their QB!

 

Anyway, the Colts have a man with multiple lacerated internal organs as their QB & I’m much happier now. SUCK FOR LUCK

 

Bob Sanders forever tho

 

My first Alabama football game was Alabama-Tennessee in 2005. I lived in Northport my first year in Alabama in a giant industrial complex off of 82, so I had NO IDEA that town turned into Roll Tide Hamsterdam. Alabama hadn’t beat Tennessee at home since 1991. There was a FLYOVER! CONDOLEEZA FUCKING RICE was there! Some country singer sang the national anthem! Roman Harper knocked that ball out the back of the endzone & ol’ Jamie Christianson kicked a patented hideous-ass game-winner and this old man next to me just started OPENLY WEEPING.

 

It was pretty much the best day ever, & cemented my love of Alabama football. Like most things Alabama, I was an obnoxious northeasterner who looked at the state of Alabama as well as my education there through tourist eyes–I was doing things just for the sake of doing them. I figured, “Oh, this will be my one Alabama game that I went to so I can tell people that, yes, I did see a game there.” Little did I know I would essentially dedicate my entire goddamn life to trying to make Tuscaloosa, Alabama a better place. I teach freshmen who were six-years-old when that game happened. I’m not saying that if Tennessee didn’t fumble on that screenpass that I would’ve chosen an entirely different life altogether, but there must be some alternate timeline where none of that ever happened & I would be referring to my time in Alabama as simply a random fact about myself; something I could claim ownership of, without actually truly owning the southern experience–to flippantly treat an entire region as a study-abroad trip without engaging with the widespread social issues of what it is to be a citizen in the American South; to feel the need to simultaneously defend your home, but also wish for change and betterment, to acknowledge its shortcomings but also embrace its beauty: to confidently answer the question “what’s it like living in Alabama?” with a multifaceted response rather than simply relying upon platitudes about “that time when”.

 

(I was also there for Rocky Block, which was one of the worst football games I have ever seen in my life with the most bonkers ending on the planet–don’t trust anyone who says that game was a TRUE CLASSIC although it brings me joy that Jonathan Crompton wound up HATING his own team because of the fans which is just *chefs kiss*)

 

If you ever run into an Alabama sophomore (my advice: don’t), they’ll all be like “oh we don’t even care about tennessee, they haven’t beaten us in forever they’re not even our rivals LSU is our TRUE RIVALS” feel free to use all of your old man strength to throw them out of the window of Rounders so hard that they wind up on the tarp of the Quick Grill. And as they lay there, staring up at the monstrosity that is the CVS on the Strip, tell them the story of PHIL FULMER and the SILENT WITNESS who once petitioned so hard to give Alabama the death penalty that he offered up his own awful recruiting violations provided that he received immunity for snitching on us. Phil Fulmer wanted nothing more than to end the football program at the University of Alabama. Imagine a world without Alabama Football: we’d be renting out Bryant Denny stadium to rodeos. Enrollment would plummet. We would never have a Chipotle, let alone TWO! We’re never gonna get a Golden Corral! Stan Pate is not going to deliver on his STEAK AND SHAKE ON EVERY CORNER promise! Everything you love about Tuscaloosa would cease to exist. Phil Fulmer would completely eradicate the median household income for Western Alabama and we’d all be Mississippi State fans or something. And you know what, maybe a life without football would make our lives easier and better. We’d look out for each other–really get to know our neighbors. It could be a beautiful utopia. Or Tuscaloosa would turn into a fast food carnival mess with a failing public university.

 

And so, above all else, it is our jobs as the older generation to remind the young ones that Tennessee is a garbage football team part of a garbage university part of a garbage state, and one should never, ever treat them as anything but.

 

Alabama 77-Tennessee 0

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