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September 13, 2017
Vandy Week Pod: There’s alot of Donkey and Butt
September 20, 2017

OLIU’S OUTLOOK: COLORADO STATE RAMS

ED NOTE: THIRD IN THE SERIES OUTLOOK FROM REAL LIFE WRITER GUY, BRIAN OLIU. 

Hey yo!

Good job everyone! Way to win that home opener! It was a pretty fabulous day in Tuscaloosa! I didn’t see anyone I knew on the TUSCALOOSA SHERIFF’S OFFICE WEBPAGE so I will most definitely consider that a W! I have TWO classes of tiny baby freshmen this semester & so all I kept saying all week was “HYDRATE” & they actually listened to me! This is a good thing because I’m pretty sure if I gave them one of those “what color is your urine, make sure it is somewhere in between the purified waters of the water outside of Nick Saban’s lake house and looking at a LSU fan after the 9-6 game with tears in your eyes” tests I would be FIREDDDD

 

I had a nice time! I am now one of those people who owns a 7 foot tall Big Al blow-up so you BEST BELIEVE I blew that shit up. You leave your blow up Big Al around me believe your blow up Big Al gonna get blown up! A couple was walking their dog as I did it & they were like “It’s Big Al!” & I was like “Well, it sure ain’t Little Al!” & we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Our team is pretty good! I definitely had a moment where I was like “why is Jalen running so much” but then I realized that we should be rewarding him because he could literally run for 9 yards every play if he wanted to. Jalen Hurts is so cool.

It’s like if someone is like “hey here is a cupcake” & you’re like “awesome!” & you grab the cupcake & then someone is like “here’s a cupcake, you can have this one, or you can walk to the kitchen to get the same exact cupcake I set down in front of you” you don’t think “oh geez, I really need practice getting up and walking to the kitchen so I better go get that cupcake” nah dawg you TAKE THE CUPCAKE IN FRONT OF YOU because there are all sorts of obstacles like one of those baby gates might pop up or there’s, like, a party guest who might pop out of my pantry with a handful of chex mix who will try to drive me into the tile floor.

 

I was never one of those kids who was SUPER KICK ASS at sports to the point where someone had to sit me down & be like ‘hey look, take it easy on everyone because they’re much slower & dumber than you” which is a GOOD THING because I’d probably just continue to KICK THE SHIT out of everyone because being good at stuff is FUN. You ever play basketball against a child much smaller than you & you just continue to block the shit out of them? I HAVE. It is glorious.

Anyway, Fresno State got served something proper! I met some Fresno State fans and they were HAPPY TO BE HERE. I was like “Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, right?” & they were like “well we hear that the Carr kids are in high school” & then started talking about California high school football & I was like SORRY I’M LIKE VICE CITY IN THIS BITCH I ONLY START PAYING ATTENTION WHEN IT GETS UP TO THREE STARS and then I went and got a

GAMEDAY SNACK OF THE WEEK

Mr. Tee’s BBQ! Mr. Tee is the patron saint of Tuscaloosa. He needs a statue. In fact, we should just put a nautical captain’s suit on the Nick Saban statue and wedge a plastic bin full of pulled pork sandwiches in between his giant hands & call it a day & then we can commission another Nick Saban statue. Maybe a tasteful fountain? That’d be great. Tell me you wouldn’t throw coins into the NICK SABAN WISHING WELL. A three year old would toss a coin in and make a wish for a puppy & a robotic voice of Nick Saban would be criticising their form as well as their lack of commitment to the team, noting that a puppy would be a distraction. It’d be awesome.

Mr. Tee & I are friends on facebook! He is really good at facebook. & by good, he definitely has wallposts where he just says “thanks” & “facebook.com”. This is what you want out of a person who makes delicious BBQ & traverses the drunken city streets on a Tuesday saving the lives of everyone he meets. Mr. Tee doesn’t have TIME to be good at social media.

Look, don’t get me wrong, the Big Bad Wolves BBQ Nachos are a delightful carnival food item that you need to have at least once a year. But if you want legit not made in a crockpot BBQ, duck inside the Red Shed & get the hookup from the hardest working man in Tuscaloosa. BBW is here maybe 14 days out of the year. Mr. Tee stays in THESE STREETS 24/7/365. Mr. Tee, in his silk suit, doesn’t even have to try not to sweat, AND he hits somersaults without the net.

The man is the opposite of the Rose Lady. Rose Lady be like “BUY THIS FUCKING ROSE RN” & putting you on the spot, but if you buy someone that you love a polish dog with one of those tiny little medicine cups of BBQ sauce, that’s how you know it’s love. My COOL WIFE tells a story of before we started dating she was at Egan’s & got drunk while talking about moon signs or whatever & all of a sudden A BEAUTIFUL THREE-PIECE SUITED angel appeared and gave her a BBQ sandwich & prevented her from getting even more drunk. What would’ve happened if Mr. Tee wasn’t there? Would she have decided that Tuscaloosa is not a miracle place where pulled pork magically appears when you most need it? Would she sour on the entire Egan’s experience & opt to knit on GameDays, thus never seeing me at my absolute best, therefore choosing to date some other lame-o writer? A life without Mr. Tee is a slippery slope, my friends. Good looking out, Mr. Tee. Je t’aime.

IT’S COLORADO STATE

Welcome to Week 2 of the “Tua has looked very impressive in mop-up duty maybe he should be the starter against Vanderbilt why don’t we just trot him out there to catch the defense off-guard it doesn’t matter that he’s left-handed and therefore our left tackle has to switch to right tackle and do everything in reverse that probably isn’t hard at all I used to flip plays in Madden all the time & it really didn’t seem that hard Priest Holmes somehow always found the hole that I wanted him to go through and running the ball back then was extremely difficult I just hit turbo and ran toward the line” experiment!

Colorado State has much more important things to do than play football. Like, idk, smoke weed or something. Have y’all ever been to Colorado? I went once! One time I went up into the mountains and sat in some HOT SPRINGS. I also went to the REAL CASA BONITA & watched some people do some cliff diving and ate shitty Mexican food. More like TACO CASA BONITA AM I RIGHT. Oh god I just slandered Taco Casa a Northport housewife is going to murder me in my sleep WHO DOESN’T LOVE A CAMO HAT

This is the second game in the Jim McIlwain Invitational! If Nick Saban is our grumpy dream dad, Jim McIlwain is our actual dad. He absolutely looks like the coach of the rec team that got assembled when all of the other parents got their kid’s signups in late or they didn’t account for the new kids in town that moved here from Sayreville over the summer and so they have to form ANOTHER team in the league but they don’t have a coach and ol’ DAD JIM was like “well I DO own a copy of Rudy on VHS so SURE!” except you guys can only get the field on Wednesdays at 5:30 so he comes direct from his middle management job at Johnson & Johnson in a full suit and tie as a way to establish ETHOS

Also it is my duty to point out that Fresno State AND Colorado State have really good literary journals which is a BAD SIGN when it comes to football but Alabama has the BLACK WARRIOR REVIEW so get you somebody who can do both

Honestly, I completely forgot that Mike Bobo was a thing! CSU has a pretty decent offense, so I’m interested to see how the newest version of the death vice Alabama defense adapts. Like most cupcake games, it’ll be a grumble sandwich when they move the ball for a field goal on their first drive, we fire off 31 unanswered, & then they score points late.

Alabama 38 – Colorado State 16

 

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