ED NOTE: Brian Oliu is back as only he can be. This week, he takes on Guac and the Dores. Enjoy!
Colorado State happened! What a doozy of a football game, huh? Did you know Robert Foster was that fast? I certainly didn’t! It’s like when you get the TRIPLE MUSHROOMS during Mario Kart & you time them PERFECTLY & you don’t go snout-first (you’re playing as Yoshi unless someone else picked Yoshi & then you’re playing as PEACH & you need to learn how to character select faster ext time! It’s the game before the game!) into a THWOMP and by THWOMP I mean a Colorado State linebacker who is probably just a really nice kid from Aurora who just loves the game of fonotball.
Something I LOVE about cupcake games is all of a sudden we become SUPER FANS of these teams! Like, for the rest of the year I’m going to be watching the little ticker on the bottom of ESPN2 and be like “Oh wow, Colorado State, beating up on New Mexico, they’re actually a REALLY GOOD FOOTBALL TEAM good for them!” when any other year, time, place, universe, continuum I would give ZERO FUCKS about the Colorado State Rams. Did you know that Colorado State predates Colorado as the flagship university of the state of Colorado? Neither did I until right now! The only reason I would EVER know this is because of Alabama football scheduling! I’m probably forgetting something incredibly important right now because I now know this fact. THANKS GHOST OF MAL MOORE
Colorado State fans were really nice! I bought one of them a beer & he was like “I’M A SCREENWRITER!” & I was like “wow! You think your football team would know how to defend a SCREEN PASS AM I RIGHT” & he was like “what a witty piece of dialogue, you should become a screenwriter!” & I was like “wait what”
After the late TD, one of them was yelling “biggest comeback in history! Shock the world!” & we all laughed & had a great time, & then he yelled “WAR EAGLE!” & we all booed him & he was like “just kidding, I liked it better when we were all having fun” but there’s no backsies on War Eagleing or Nazi Sympathizing.
GAMEDAY SNACK OF THE WEEK
My cool wife makes the best guacamole. There are no real hacks to it at all. It’s, like avocados & onion & some spices & jalapenos & tomatoes & we’ll call it a goddamn day. There is no need for peas or apples or whatever it is the children put in their dips these days to make the old people mad! Want to make someone FURIOUS? Make something that they love but do something wacky to it! There’s a theory that we are less tolerant of those who are a lot like us but have some small differences than we are of people who are from an entirely different background/culture! So, like, if you make a dip RESEMBLING guacamole & put, I don’t know, edamame in it, people are going to FREAK THE FUCK OUT more than if you, like, made a wacky dip & were just like “here’s my grandma’s funyun brooklyn style chippy dip” (note, this is lipton’s french onion soup mix & sour cream, shout out to my Nan). This also explains why we are always extremely skeptical of GEORGIA FANS because they’re pretty much US in the fact that we’re either in CLASSY POLOS or a COOL ALABAMA SHIRT THAT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE THE BACK OF A BIKER GANG’S LITTLE VEST THING and we spend 80,000 on Ford F-350s. The rest of the world looks at SEC teams slinging mud at each other like that cartoon where the two Spidermen are pointing at each other but we’re all like NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE GEORGIA BULLDOGS ARE THE ECONOMY PLUS PROGRAM OF THE SEC AND WE’RE FIRST CLASS BABY WOOO.
Anyway, Guacachips are absolutely nothing like guacamole & not pretending to be guacamole despite being this weird green color and having a giant picture of an avocado on the bag. They taste like a zero cheese Dorito, but if you just kept all of the crazy Dorito umami sensation. They are a colossal clusterfuck that pair exceptionally well with your sixth Budweiser. I don’t really know how they came into my life–apparently they are produced by a brand called SNAK KING which must’ve gotten into the GOLDEN FLAKE EMPIRE somehow through annexation or however budget potato chip military coups work. I post photos of GUACACHIPS and friends who live elsewhere FREAK OUT because they can’t get Guacachips near where they live. Guacachips, man. They’ll change your life.
Oh! Also the official brand of Guacachips is actually El Sabroso, which translates to “The Tasty”. What a fucking great company name. “Hey, what should we call our chip company?” “How about tasty chips?” “Close, but it’s lacking something. I’VE GOT IT”
OH NO IT’S VANDERBILT
Well lookie here it’s TUXEDO TENNESSEE with all of their fancy book learnin’ and obsession with nautical terms even though the last I heard Tennessee is pretty damn landlocked. I think there’s a river? Anyway, the best part about Vandy is that it is named after CORNELIUS VANDERBILT robber baron to the stars! The other businessmen gave him the nickname “Commodore” because they were making fun of him & he was like “wow that sounds great, I’m gonna call myself COMMODORE now!” It’s like when you’re being an asshole & someone is like “sure, whatever you say boss” & you’re like “yes, boss. That sounds good. Please refer to me as CEO BRIAN”
Also Cornelius Vanderbilt had NEVER BEEN TO THE SOUTH but post-Civil War was like “hey South, sorry for fucking up your shit, will a million dollars help?” This bougie motherfucker from Manhattan was like “here you go South, go get yourself a real university. And with the leftover money why don’t you head down to the apothecary and get yourself one of those caramels made with REAL sugar”
Shit, Vandy. It ain’t your fault. You were doomed from the start.
Vandy is HYPEEEEE for this game. It makes sense! There are not a lot of things that Vanderbilt gets hype for, except for, I don’t know, mansplaining how Austrian economic policy works?
Vandy made the one major mistake though! They talked TRASH about Alabama & by TRASH I mean one player mentioned that they’re not scared of Alabama which causes MASS CHAOS. Nothing galvanizes an Alabama fan around their team than another team being like “well I think that their offensive line really hasn’t been tested” & all of a sudden we’re like HEY YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY
Vandy has a good defense! They held the VAUNTED BILL SNYDER PRUNE JUICE THROUGH A TIN HORN OFFENSE to 7 points! The sad part, however, is that they only scored 14 against a Big Twelve team, sooooo
This game, to me, seems like one of the recent Florida SEC Championship games where you’re like “the only way Vandy can score is if we do blehhh” & then we’ll give up a kick return or a turnover & they’ll be up like 10-7 & then we’ll just turn into America’s Favorite Soulcrushers (™) like we always do.
SIDE NOTE: Fuck Memorial Gym forever. I understand most SEC basketball is off-off-Broadway quality stuff, but it doesn’t have to look like a high school production of Up The Down Staircase. BAMA HOOPS SEASON COMIN’
Alabama 24 – Vandy 10