HI EVERYONE DID YOU HAVE A NICE RELAXING BYE WEEK
I did! That is until the COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF RANKINGS SPONSORED BY ESPN AND BAD TAKES DOT COM came out while I was pleasantly eating meatloaf north of the river (shout out to Southern Ale House, best meatloaf in town RIP Miss Maggie’s, the one true meatloaf)
God the playoff rankings are so dumb. Remember how much we hated COMPUTERS during the BCS? We hated them so much that when we started the CFP our one request was NO COMPUTERS. But maybe we should have SOME COMPUTERS because as of right now the thing every week reads like when you ask a thirteen-year-old who their best friend is. They just give you a list of thirty-five people they know in random order and it inevitably changes from week to week. You may be #1 this week, ERICA, but you might have a BAD INTERACTION with JULIANNA this week which will bring your BFF strength of socialization down so WE’LL SEE. Also we have no idea how the rest of the year is going to play out so you might not even get a CHRISTMAS GIFT FRIENDSHIP BRACELET by the time the first week of December rolls around. Every year we sit around trying to read the runes in regards to what the playoff selection committee is thinking in regards to head-to-head/strength of schedule & every year it’s always just like WELP THESE ARE JUST THE THOUGHTS OF TYRONE WILLINGHAM
Also they can pretty much say whatever the fuck they want in November because there are a billion elimination game scenarios still in play. “Could Ohio State, Penn State, Wisconsin, AND Indiana ALL make the playoff?” no you dumb dumbs, that’s not how this works
Every time I hear the phrase EYE TEST I think of a giant mini-boss in a side-scroller that shoots laser beams from its pupils
Anyway, this is all to say that if you’re a Georgia fan (hi Daniel!) you better win the SEC championship or hope to god that Miami goes undefeated because you KNOW the bowl selection committee is going to put those two teams together because they love that EX-COACH NARRATIVE shit & even if they go 11-1 with a loss to Alabama, they’re going to mysteriously drop to 5 for a SHOWDOWN AT THE HARD ROCK STADIUM IN MIAMI GARDENS BAYYYBAYYYY
Whew! I am getting ahead of myself! Sorry! This is what happens when you don’t watch your football team for A WEEK. You start to get real nervous about everything! Being an Alabama fan is like being a tiny baby with zero concept of object permanence. If Anthony Averett isn’t erasing wide-receivers from the march of time like the photograph from Back to the Future, we are like OH NO WHAT IF WHAT I HAVE SEEN ALL OF THESE WEEKS IS ACTUALLY A BLATANT FALSEHOOD LOOK AT ALL OF THESE OTHER TEAMS PASSING US BY & then we find ourselves worried that we won’t have a date to the ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE SEA dance & this feeling will exist probably until there’s about 6 minutes left in the first half & Alabama “clinging” to a 17-3 lead.
It seems like SO LONG AGO that we fucked up Tennessee’s WORLD! I had a great time! I talked to OUR MAYOR WALT MADDOX about his leg and his running habits! He was a little sad because he has gotten THICC because of his broken leg & appears to be self-conscious about it. Politicians! They’re just like us! (™) Also Doug Jones showed us his DMs on Twitter! He was very excited about Debra Messing! Look, if the titular character of WILL AND GRACE (she played Grace!) was blowing me up on my favorite social media platform of choice I would be HYPE TOO! It almost makes me want to run for office! DEBRA MESSING! The voice of ARLENE in the GARFIELD movie! Shoutout to my ode to lasagna last week!
I really appreciated the moxie of Rashaan Gaulden giving those fans the double-bird after the pick-six! Look at that guy! Probably the most fun he’s had in like fifteen months. I mean, maybe he went to RUBY TUESDAYS & stocked up on croutons at the salad bar in August so there’s a chance he felt pure joy more recently than that but PROBABLY NOT. He then got KICKED OUT of the next game against Kentucky! Kentucky! Those guys! How are you gonna get mad enough at a Kentucky football game, bruh? It’s not like Willie Cauley-Stein is out there dunking on your face. I read an article about how BUTCH JONES is trying to channel dude’s anger into something positive which is a joke that writes itself! It’s like asking McDonald’s to help you repair your ice cream machine.
Also I’d be remiss to not pour one out for our bland homie Jim McElwain. You were too left-coast for those central Florida jesus goblins. Godspeed, dad from a bildungsroman film about a group of high school seniors in Colorado and the greatest summer of their lives. Congratulations on your Mountain West 2019 Coach of the Year award.
Cheat Day Snack of the Week HALLOWEEN EDITION
Halloween stays winning! Most people have horror (lol get it) stories about all other holidays, but Halloween, for some reason, stays completely pure. Probably because it is SATAN’S HOLIDAY *spooky noises*
I mean, I’ve definitely had some mediocre Thanksgivings (my favorite holiday btw because, duh) & some meh Christmases, but pretty much all of my Halloweens have been LIT. Maybe because Halloween is the rare holiday that we’re totally okay about celebrating for, like, five days!
We threw a PARTY on Halloween! It was great! The scariest part was the anxiety that NO ONE WOULD SHOW UP but then PEOPLE SHOWED UP & it was really nice. We made punch! Afterward, we went to Egan’s like good Tuscaloosa citizens, but we were PUNCH DRUNK (literally, not a metaphor) & there was some acoustic set going on which is NOT SPOOKY ENOUGH so we went to the SCARIEST PLACE IN TUSCALOOSA
We went to Rounders.
Have y’all ever been to Publix? Publix is literally the kindest & safest place on earth. Everyone who works there is the kindest, most harmless, and slightly irritating people on the planet. You have to FIGHT someone to make sure they don’t help you with your shopping cart with three items in it out to your car. They are AGGRESSIVELY NICE. Look, I know this carton of almond milk and carton of leftover cookie cake slices look HEAVY but I got it from here, dawg, damn.
Anyway, you wouldn’t know that this beautiful oasis is literally across the street while you are in Rounders. THE PURENESS OF PUBLIX DOES NOT PERMEATE THROUGH THOSE CARNIVAL WALLS, SIR
For the uninitiated, Rounders is if you took a 15-year-old’s perception of what a “cool college club is,” incorporated the off-off-off stage DJ tent at the world’s shittiest EDM festival, and mixed it with a Japanese subway car during peak groping hours. It is what I imagine the inside of deadmau5’ giant head must feel like. You know when you’re watching a romantic comedy & there’s like a giant misunderstanding between the couple & the woman is like SCREW IT I’M TURNIN’ UP TONIGHT & her friends are all like WOOOOO but then the best friend at some point is like CHARLOTTE. STOP IT. THIS ISN’T YOU! & she’s like YOU KNOW WHAT MAYBE THIS IS ME AND THIS IS THE LIFE I’M SUPPOSED TO LIVE! LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN! And then some weird shit goes down with some randos & she gets dragged out of the club because she’s super wasted & blows up at her best friend and wakes up in a stranger’s bed? Rounders is the club where all the bad stuff happens! It is a place where people make bad decisions, have their come to Jesus moment, and recognize that they need to take their lives more seriously and, I don’t know, treat other people nicer & organize a bookshelf and call their parents in the nice little montage after the massive meltdown.
Wait a second, I feel as if I’ve talked myself into Rounders being the catalyst for all stages of self-improvement in one’s life, as some sort of anagnorisis–a true epiphany; a necessary evil, not unlike the paradox of Satan himself; if we are to believe that God loves us & wants us to be as close as possible to His ever-glowing image, AND we are to believe that God is omnipotent and all-knowing, the Devil is not out of his purview. Therefore, God KNOWS that Satan will continue to do evil, yet he still allows it–not necessarily out of of goodness, but because we must experience an other to recognize true grace. As my main dude Hans Urs von Balthasar presupposes, Hell might be completely empty–that upon death we have a true vision of whatever entity controls the universe and therefore we all immediately reject all evil and ascend into heaven. Therefore, Rounders, is, in fact, simultaneously devoid of humanity and goodness, but also drives us toward our one truth path. ROUNDERS IS THE LIGHT AND THE WAY
Anyway, we left after 30 minutes, shotgunned a beer at Egan’s, & ate a thousand Kit-Kats at 3am. KIT KATS ARE DOPE
SPEAKING OF WEIRD CATHOLICISM
IT’S LSU BOIIIIIIIII
Here come the andouille boudin tiger death cult from Baton Rouge! SO FUN
I can’t quite tell if LSU is more terrifying underneath Les Miles or Coach O. There’s a part of me (the most Gump part of me) that believes that if Les was still coaching LSU last year they would’ve beaten us, therefore sending us to one loss, giving us a “adversity!” narrative, bumping us to #2 in the CFP rankings, giving us an opportunity to shellac Ohio State, and STRENGTHENING THE IRON so we beat Clemson for the second straight year. So THANKS FOR NOTHING LSU
Honestly, I can’t believe they hired Coach O. This is the Rudy of coaching hires. You can’t just hire someone because they want it really really badly. So, in writing there’s a theory that you have to create a natural end of things in order to wrap up a story. It’s why we base so many films around summertime, or the school year, or Christmas–there’s a natural timeline. Coach O’s fiction ends with him beating Louisville in Camping World Stadium (which sounds like a New Japan Pro Wrestling venue in Osaka) and riding off into the hot lava mouth’d sweatshirted sunset. You’re totally expecting a freeze frame of Coach O being carried off the field & it’s just like “Dave Arranda went on to be one of twelve volunteers on the Earth-2 mission to Mars. NASA lost all communication with Earth-2 on October 23, 2028, the same day that LSU lost to eventual national champions Utah State.”
There’s no need for a sequel! We don’t need a shitty Netflix reboot of six episodes to see “what actually happened!” The story is over! But nope! Coming back for a second season is ol’ Crawfish Ed (Fridays 9/8c on ABC!)
So, I honestly thought by this point in the season Coach O would’ve been fired. Everyone knows that the Matt Canada hire is the sniveling coach in waiting preparing to sabotage his boss in order to ascend to corndog greatness. I would’ve bet anything that we would’ve had BIZARRO LSU where they’ll have a perfectly competent offense and a beignet grease fire of a defense, lose to Syracuse, and they’ll hire Canada & we’ll get lots of Quebecois jokes (who doesn’t love a good Quebecois joke!? RUN THE DAMN GAUL!). But hey! They beat NATIONAL CHAMPION CHAMPION Syracuse! We won’t mention the team that they DID lose to, but let’s just say that the last time I ate at Firehouse Subs was in Troy, Alabama and that LSU is looking to go 2-1 against the State of Alabama THE HARD WAY
Speaking of jokes, the only thing more predictable than this whole scenario is that some student will go viral by spray painting a racist and/or homophobic saying on a low thread count sheet from Belk and hanging it in front of their student housing slum! There’s something about LSU weekend that turns everyone into @drunk_saban_bryant_unlimited_bama. Road to 17. Parody. Libertarian.
They say that comedy is only funny when you punch up instead of punch down, which is totally true! It also explains why most Bama fans are really awful at jokes! #1 PAWL ROLL TIDE
Ed Orgeron looks like a cartoon face that you’d see on an App Store icon for some weird ass multi-player iPhone game that was ported from China called VALOR OF CLASHES or KING’S REALM HONOR
These LSU games are either REALLY FUCKING WEIRD or we beat the Chachere off of them. As of late, the home games have been more of a mild andouille, which are perfectly palatable in the grand scheme of our season. Personally, my favorite part of LSU week is swapping Game of the Century stories–I DJed that night & it was one of the most fun days of my entire life & we LOST. In retrospect, it was probably all for the best, because I would’ve been found dead in a Popeye’s walk-in freezer in Opelousas.
Haha jk LSU fans know one thing & that’s how to hide a body–why do you think they always look like they’re covered in sand?
Thankfully, this game is not in the Upside-Down so I think we’ll be aight! The closest I have ever been to being arrested was in the GOLDEN GOD RASHAD JOHNSON game where we won in overtime & I tried my hardest to give out high-fives to every single person I saw on the corner of University and Pinehurst while holding a 24-pack of Coors Light & a cop reached for his walkie talkie and started walking towards me & I just said OKAY SORRY I’LL STOP & walked away.
I was a younger man then, but it was our first victory over the cajun death cult in quite some time–there are fifth-year seniors who haven’t seen us lose to LSU, which is really really weird. We should be grateful that we live in such a beautiful and wonderful time to be an Alabama fan. And those kids really should get their credit hours straightened out, jesus. Bradley Bozeman has like seven degrees in Sports Hotel Business Management by now. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATE
Alabama 28-LSU 7