HATEPOD: MOO.
November 9, 2017
OLIU’S OUTLOOK: THE MERCER…. BEARS?
November 17, 2017

OLIU’S OUTLOOK: MOO!

WHY DON’T WE HAVE AN ORGAN FACTORY DEPARTMENT JESUS

 

Yes hello! We defeated those scoundrel Cajun two-slaw no bread Raisin’ Cane swamp monsters with little to no effort except WE SACRIFICED EVERYTHING

This is what we call a PYRRHIC VICTORY because even though LSU never really made it a game our linebackers consist of a bunch of five-star freshmen OH NO

 

I don’t mean to MISREPRESENT my frustration at this because for all intents and purposes having linebackers with working knees and feet is a VERY GOOD THING, but I think we’ll be okay–at least that’s what I’m telling myself currently as I try to talk myself into the fact that we are approaching TRAP MUZIK GAME and it feels like Minkah’s body is being held together by a rubberband, man

 

I am not a doomsday person! I am, in fact, VERY POSITIVE about most things in life! I understand that my POSITIVITY comes from a place of privilege because I am a white dude who knows that guac is extra but it’s totally cool but I still think our football team is PRETTY GOOD

 

I keep having flashbacks to the game last year where our windbreaker’d human equivalent of a michelob ultra was on zillow searching for a McMansion that looks like a Porygon with tasteful wainscoting instead of STUDYIN’ THE D until Jalen was like “hello I am a 19-year-old who doesn’t quite know where Russell Hall is but I am a more responsible adult than our bitmoji of an offensive coordinator” & he went Madden 04 Seneca Wallace on those goobers

 

Honestly, isn’t it WEIRD that our two offensive minds last year were LANE and SARK. Personally I’m thankful we now have a cool buffalo of a human as our OC & kind of hope that he stays here forever. Apparently his wife thinks Tuscaloosa IS AWESOME which makes all the sense in the world because have you BEEN TO BOSTON? It is cold literally all the time & it’s filled with PEOPLE FROM BOSTON! I mean ppl in Alabama are kind of the worst (vote Doug Jones) but give me a well-meaning person from VANCE VANCE REVOLUTION any day of the week

 

Ps if you are a TIDE FAN and a PATRIOTS FAN you better be a BRANDON DEADERICK ENTHUSIAST or else foh

 

ANYWAY we beat LSU! Yeah! Great job everyone! LSU Weekend is always like a weird ass impromptu reunion because no one tells you that they’re going to be in town but everyone is IN TOWN. You’ll just be hangin’ out & all of a sudden all of these relics from your past lives show up & you’re like WOW and then they’re like LET’S DO A SHOT & you’re like YES GOOD TO SEE YOU & then the next thing you know you’re telling your COOL WIFE all sorts of stories all week & she’s like “yes, Brian, you told me all of these things on Saturday night”

 

Anyway, Jalen looked REALLY GREAT. Did you see those passes you threw! They were like COOL LASERS! It’s so cool you read the blog! You are my true Houndstooth Hero, Jalen! Please say hello to your mom for me! <3

 

CHEAT DAY SNACK OF THE WEEK

 

IT’S BEER

 

Yooooo! Beer is so good. BUT YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL. There are a lot of bad beers out there. Personally, I don’t like any beer that tastes like I’m drinking a candle. You would think that this is easy, but SO MANY BEERS TASTE LIKE CANDLES. We are definitely in CANDLE BEER SEASON too! Don’t worry this isn’t going to turn into some weird-ass pumpkin spice shaming instagram post or whatevs because that Dogfish Head pumpkin beer is really really good, but you can sure as hell keep like 90% of Christmas Ales (shout out to the Great Lakes Christmas Ale; we can say nice things about the midwest now that the Big Ten has eaten itself like a smoked sausage ouroboros ON WISCONSIN)

 

I was STRAIGHT EDGE in high school which is another word for “I liked following the rules & to be honest I don’t know anyone who would get me beer or drugs, smoking is gross, and my self-esteem is waaaaayyyy too low for all of this sex stuff so WE’RE JUST! A MINOR THREAT!”

 

My first beer was a Bud Light when I was 18! It was okay. I moved to Belgium when I was 20 & became a total beer nerd & to be honest it was pretty great. MONKS OUT HERE GETTIN’ TURNTTTTTT

 

I lived in the town where Stella Artois was made! It is now the headquarters for AB InBev! One time we thought that we were going to take a tour of the brewery but it’s just this gigantic industrial complex so we just walked around the perimeter of the building for a while & then went home. It was a great tour!

 

Stella was cheaper than water or Coca-Cola so needless to say we drank A LOT of it. Belgium is the best country ever tbh. They are the motherfuckin’ ROYALTY at taking some basic shit & making it seem like the fanciest thing on the planet. You can get their basic-ass Hershey’s equivalent for, like, zero money BUT they also put it in this really swank packaging so you can bring that shit home & people fawn over it! It is incredible! Same with Godiva! Belgium is like if you took all the fanciness of French cuisine but then added German portion sizes. It’s seriously like living in goddamn Epcot. It is an American’s version of a European country.

 

This is also where I mention that I follow RETIN OBASOHAN on snapchat and guys I’m pretty worried because he used to just post bible verses but now he goes to the club & posts self-help entrepreneur quotes which is a GODDAMN SLIPPERY SLOPE. Look, if you’re looking to the bible for advice you’re gonna look ANYWHERE for advice. Jesus ruined basic economics by explaining that people had to be nice to other people so we’ve been spending centuries trying to make up for with platitudes about how A LION NEVER CONCERNS ITSELF WITH WAKING UP AND RISING AND GRINDING or some trash-ass parable

 

So I’ve found myself in my later years having some weird ass allergies? For instance, I’ve developed an ALMOND allergy which is very inconvenient because I’m on one of those irritating paleo-based diets & they’re always like “grab a handful of almonds if you’re feeling the need for a snack!” & I’m like I WISH YOU COWARDS. Also this means I can’t eat those Haagen Daaz chocolate almond ice cream bars anymore which were THE SHIT.

 

Anyway, this has also translated to a strange beer allergy! Like, 95% of beers are totally fine! But those 5% will cause me to uncontrollably vomit for 12 hours! It is NOT GREAT. But of course I’m an idiot so I’m like LET’S SPIN THE WHEEL OF NAUSEA. I’ve asked my bff BERRY GRASS, BEER DETECTIVE to see if they can crack the case but none of the beers that have caused death stomach have any connection! IT IS A SERIAL KILLER THAT DOESN’T WANT TO BE CAUGHT

 

Anyway, if any of you beautiful people out there can find the mysterious thread between Ballast Point Dorado, Dale’s Pale Ale, & Icehouse, hmu

 

None of the Druid City beers have made me feel like garbage. THANKS GUYS ROLL TIDE

 

CLANGALANGALANGALANGALANGALANGALANGA

 

These poor schlubs. Miss State is the kid who has the worst looking house in the rich suburban cul de sac (can you BELIEVE that they don’t even have a finished basement? I hear the wife has a JOB! I just feel bad for the CHILDREN. Did you SEE what they were wearing?). They have a really shitty older brother and a neighbor that invites them over to play Sega Genesis but they don’t own a Sega Genesis, only an NES but the neighbor demands that they play Street Fighter 2 TE & Mississippi State has caught on that they’re only being invited over so that their elephant obsessed neighbor can kick the shit out of them, but hey, at least they get to play & isn’t that nice of them?

I think Dan Mullen is a gem. I really can’t think of anything bad to say about him. He ran a marathon! Take it from me, if you are training for a marathon, you are a MESS. You’re waking up at ungodly hours to go running for two hours, your body hurts all the time, and you just want to eat Popeye’s Fried Chicken every hour of every day. And THEN you finish the marathon & your body is totally wrecked and the next thing you know your body parts decide that they don’t want to work like they used to, and you’ve essentially ruined an entire year of your life. Dan Mullen ran the Boston Marathon last year & there’s NO WAY he has recovered yet. He probably set back the program 20 years by completely zoning out during recruitment trips because his calf muscles were twitching & he was worried that every single one of his ligaments was going to snap. I would absolutely drink a beer with Dan Mullen. BUT NOT ONE THAT WOULD MAKE ME VOMIT

 

I’m very excited for like 2043 when Nick Saban has finally retired & Dan Mullen wins the SEC West and goes onto beat Florida in the SEC Championship game with the seventeenth coach they hired instead of him. Also at this point the playoff has expanded to 32 teams so don’t worry about a thing because our matchup with University of Texas at San Antonio is pretty even & I think we can make a deep run this year.

 

Nick Fitzgerald (UT! Chattanooga!) is being touted as the best SEC quarterback & here is a direct quote I heard: “more athletic than Dak Prescott, but can’t throw the ball!” Look, if you have a player that is more athletic than Dak Prescott but can’t throw the ball, I hate to break it to you, you have a middling running back!

 

I have never been to Starkville! I really have no reason to ever go. It’s like, right there! Towns of the SEC! Take a beautiful tour! But nah, I’m good. Say what you will about Tuscaloosa but it seems like New Delhi compared to the barren wasteland of West Alabama & all of East Mississippi.

 

I’m still mad about the fact that Meridian had a Best Buy before Tuscaloosa. When I moved to Tuscaloosa in 2005 I was THIS CLOSE to driving to Meridian just to buy The Warriors PS2 game. lol 2005. What a nightmare

 

I am constantly amazed at how bad Mississippi State’s uniforms consistently look like sewn on trash. Do their moms iron on the letters before each game? GET YOUR KERNING RIGHT FOR ONCE JESUS. Like, seriously. Adidas is a classy company! They’re German! They have a Rihanna collection! The Adidas Firebird is the world’s most luxurious track jacket! But Miss St makes their gear look like Eastbay University. & even I feel like I’m sullying the good name of EASTBAY right now!

 

So one of my students (hi Morgan!) is a member of the MILLION DOLLAR BAND, which is the largest student organization on campus! (Wow! So educational!) Last year, if you remember, the toilets in Bryant Denny stopped working during the TEXAS A&M game because do those guys know how to poop or what!? Anyway, Morgan mentioned that after the last practice before Mississippi State, members of the Million Dollar Band were brought into Bryant-Denny to make sure that the plumbing issues were figured out!! Each band member was assigned a bathroom and it was their job to flush all of the toilets in each of the stalls AT THE SAME TIME to make sure that, I don’t know, we didn’t have a massive sewage outbreak during Basketcase or something (get it? dookie?). The audio cue to flush all of the toilets was TAKIN’ CARE OF BUSINESS, which was blasted over the stadium sound system. I love it when a plan comes together.

 

We are in the MEAT of our schedule! All of the previous games were just kind of a thin runny soup. Let’s hope we didn’t fill up on BREADSTICKS. There are two types of Bama fans: those who are like LOL WE’RE GONNA WIN OBVIOUSLY & paranoid lunatics like myself who are pretty sure that we’re gonna get exposed in every game that we play. I assume if you are a reader of this website you are a PARANOID LUNATIC so at least misery loves company! We are definitely in a position where we’re like “our football team is good! But is it!?” but all I know is that we are going to read wayyyyyy too much into this game because there’s something about mid-November that causes all Alabama fans to feel as if Scarecrow hit us with the fear toxin.

 

Maybe we “struggle” to a 14 point victory. Maybe we get Croom’d. Maybe we get caught looking ahead to the MERCER BEARS.

 

Or we recognize the fact that despite our rabid fandom, we have little to no effect on the perfectly crafted Saban robot machine and while we as fans always look at Mississippi State as a generic ass team in a Friday Night Lights episode where the drama on the field is zero because Julie’s out there being the worst again, the Alabama Football team is sharpening its oyster knife.

 

Alabama 35-MSU 17

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *