ED NOTE: HOUNDSTOOH HEROES’ WRITER-IN-RESIDENCE, BRIAN OLIU, IS BACK ON HIS BULLSHIT. WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT. IT MUST BE READ TO BE BELIEVED. WE WILL ADMIT THAT WE DANCED OUR ASSES OFF. YOU’LL SEE WHY.
More like Ole MISS ME WITH IT, right? Playing Alabama after being obliterated by sanctions is the TRUE DEATH PENALTY with our thirty-eight running backs serving the role of pentobarbital by bludgeoning you to sleep, Jalen Hurts freezing the defense on playaction like he’s pancuronium bromide, and Anthony Averett as potassium chloride (cause he’s salty). Sure, it’s more humane than EXECUTION VIA ELEPHANT which is a very real thing which was reserved for the worst enemies of the state, which include CHRISTIANS and THOSE WHO EMPLOYED SORCERY TO HARM OTHERS of which Ole Miss definitely fits the bill. Anyway, wow this has been a morbid start, don’t commit crimes everyone.
This was a beautiful brutalizing that I honestly don’t remember much about because we kicked off later than a goddamn Wyoming-San Diego State game AND I was kinda drunk AND on Saturdays I eat a ton of carbs & feel extra sleepy anyway so I’m pretty sure the entire second half was a fever dream. HOWEVER I hadn’t seen the end of an Ole Miss game inside of Egan’s in a hot minute because of the greatest victory in Ole Miss history one year (did they win the SEC West that year I forget), the SURPRISE COOPER BATEMAN game, and the high stress first-half caused my cool wife to have massive Ole Miss flashbacks that she watched Stranger Things on the couch while I watched on my phone in the other room. I was going to stay to hear some goddamn James Brown & probably Dixie Chicken & then I’m gonna stay through all 11 minutes and 52 seconds of Got To Give It Up because you can’t be disrespecting Marvin Gaye like that even if there is leftover pizza waiting for you in the fridge.
This was something that I determined before the game while I was hanging outside of Egan’s & a guy in an Ole Miss hat was wearing a BUILD THE WALL t-shirt because somehow he believes that the state of our country is doing significantly better than Ole Miss football (it’s a tossup tbh). Fuck that dude why does sports have to be so POLITICAL all the time geez I’m just trying to ENJOY THE GAME gosh I don’t want to THINK ABOUT HOW MY ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES god
SPEAKING OF GOD IT’S THE GOOD BROTHERS TEXAS A&M
I hate it when we play these weird milk chugging cult members because their Kyle Field Megachurch has that ridiculously high camera angle where everything looks completely jacked up in Egansvision HD and everyone knows that I have an irrational fear of heights and border collies. My main concern is that we are far enough removed from ruining Johnny Manziel’s life by AJ throwing that goal line INT and giving him a signature win and rocketing him into superstardom that the Alabama fanbase is all of a sudden like “Oh! TAMU! They’re not that bad! What a delightful and wholesome team to have representing the SEC! Why, they’re such kind folks!” which follows the trajectory of Texas’ favorite cowboy bastard son, George W. Bush. Next thing you know, Johnny is going to be doing some really tasteful water colors of dogs & we’ll be like “well maybe he is just misunderstood”.
I fully expected A&M to be your classic 5-0, but INSTEAD they are a QUIET 4-1 which means they have looked like hot trash & so as a result the world won’t be entirely surprised after they get waxed by us & they proceed to lose their next 4 games. Although the entire SEC is S-A-W-F-T like Cottonelle (not Cottondale, which is very rough, shoutout to the Big Bear Combo at The Oasis) so who knows. Anyway, give yourself some time to talk yourself into the wide receivers and their “speed” before we are up 21 by the second media timeout.
Also, good lord hasn’t Christian Kirk graduated yet? How many large animal clinical science degrees DOES ONE MAN NEED? One for every large animal? Do you know how many large animals there are!? THERE ARE AT LEAST FOUR
Personally, I’m really excited for when LIBERTY becomes D1 & tries to steal the thunder from TAMU as most bonkers fanbase. I mean, they already BEAT BAYLOR in the I’m Not Here To Judge But Homosexuality Just Doesn’t Sit Right With Me I’m Not Here To Talk About What Happens In Someone’s Own Home But The Way That They Flaunt It Is Just Disgusting It’s Just Not Natural Hobby Lobby Bowl, so this is the true natural (read: Lord’s, nature doesn’t exist) path. It’s cool though, at least they’ll still have their degrees in poultry science to lean back on! Those dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets aren’t going to eat themselves, you know! After the Johnny Manziel game (which I attended! Live! barf!) I ran into a bunch of Texas A&M fans & was like “hey, nice job you weirdos, good game” & they’re like “thanks, we have a long drive ahead of us” & I was like “uhhhh” & they were like “yeah, we’re driving back to College Station tonight” & I was like “uhhhh, okay good luck?” I’m pretty sure all TAMU folks are like cell phones and that they can only be outside for a small amount of time before they completely shut down entirely & return to their houses in subdivisions that have a lot of words on the wall like “FOOD” and “HOME” and “THOSE WHO KNOW AGGIES KNOW AGGIES BUT IF YOU DON’T KNOW AGGIES YOU’LL NEVER KNOW AGGIES LEVITICUS 4:12”
I’m sure right now TAMU officials are looking up a way to get Joanna & Chip Gaines an honorary PhD in tablemaking so they can claim them as alums. In fact, I’m sure if you check the gram on Saturday they’re all like “being an aggie for a day lol” while checking into Kyle Field as they find a way to remodel their non-working bathrooms by utilizing some frosted glass and a drop ceiling.
Also I’m not 100% sure that the “our bathrooms don’t work oh no you’ll have to poop in this bucket” isn’t a total fabrication because everyone knows that human poop makes the best fertilizer and a sophomore urban gardening class didn’t get a big enough Rick Perry shit donation and those zucchinis just aren’t poppin’ off like they used to CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL
Kevin Sumlin seems like a pretty chill dude & he is pretty much responsible for Saban’s defensive mindset shift so I can’t hate the guy too much because he is forced to coach in the world’s largest Chick-Fil-A while they “my pleasure!” him to his face & try to convince him to jump in the ball pit which has been filled with leftover first-year veterinary school practice syringes. Also he is from BREWTON ALABAMA which is home of “the blueberry drop” which sounds like something you’ll hear on a cruise ship exclusively for the grown and sexy.
GAMEDAY SNACK OF THE WEEK
Is there anything more beautiful and simple than the egalitarian M&M? What a lovely little sphere of chocolate & whatever the shell is? (hint, it is sugar. whaaaaat). M&Ms are GREAT. I’ll eat any type of M&M you throw at me! ****Except for the almond ones because I am highly allergic & will spend the rest of my day vomiting so hard that I’ll give myself a bloody nose. IT IS NOT THE BEST. Don’t serve me pesto!**** ALLERGEN ALERT
I know I have mentioned in the past that I don’t eat carbs/sugar most days of the week & save all of my caloric intake for Saturdays. Most people are like “wow how do you do it you’re so brave and cool you’re like the best human on the planet” & the answer is pretty simple in that I just live a pretty miserable experience where I deny myself the one thing I love more than anything in the world, which is sugar. HOWEVER on Saturday morning I wake up & immediately eat like seven Heath bar cookies & then I’m like “whoa brian slow down” & then I DOWNSHIFT to eating like twelve pieces of candy. It is a great method. As a result of waking up & wanting to eat sugar Jupiter, we keep delicious snacks in our house at all times. Seriously. If you want snacks, we got em. We have a beautiful collection of candy bowls in our house. Every goddamn day is Halloween (happy birthday nick).
Currently we have one bowl dedicated solely to M&Ms because we had a CANDY BAR at our WEDDING (like, a bar bar, not like a candy bar although now I realize we should’ve had a CANDY BAR BAR so I guess we’re getting this shit annulled) and at some point our wedding planner had this GIANT VASE of M&Ms that was, like, barely full. My mother, who never met an overarching aesthetic that didn’t need slight alterations, was concerned that the FULL SPECTACLE of the candy vase would not be realized due to a shortage of M&Ms so she went to PUBLIX (where shopping is a pleasure!) and bought like six of those FULL GALLON BAGS of M&Ms, only to return & find that, in fact, our wedding planner (shout out to Vikki, we love you) HAD filled the vase, so my mom is like “oh, well that’s good, here’s approximately 8 BILLION pieces of chocolate happy nuptials!”.
M&Ms remind me of that Mitch Hedberg skit where he’s like “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” Personally, I think all candy should be consumed in giant handfuls. I’m not SAYING I haven’t eaten multiple Snickers Minis at once, but M&Ms are highly aware of their consumption ratio. Play your part, M&Ms! Play your part!
While we’re on the subject of crushing multiple identical things only differentiated by the color in which their manufacturers choose to enrobe them in
This is week one of the NICK SABAN MONDAY MORNING EMERGENCY PRESS CONFERENCE OPEN CHALLENGE where we have three hot seat coaches coming to town with a whole slew of boosters sending editable Word documents to Athletic Directors Dropboxes with phrases like “UNACCEPTABLE!” and “NOT TO BE COMPETITIVE, BUT TO EXCEL!” and “THIS IS NOT THE TYPE OF FOOTBALL WE HAVE COME TO EXPECT FROM”
Right now all of these coaches are like when you’re playing Ninja Gaiden & you get through level 6-3 with like ONE HIT POINT & you have to go up against THE GIANT FACE OF JAQUIO & you’re instantly wrecked.
A&M has a pretty stout defense, but I’m also pretty sure John Chavis definitely hit “I’m too old for this stuff (TV edit, this is a family website)” during the Josh Rosen NFL Network Draft Night Highlight package game. Personally, I still have hope that he’s secretly a double-double agent & will return to LSU after they change the locks on ol’ Coach O. (jk Coach O doesn’t know how to use a door, he just repetitively crashes through faulty drywall like an HGTV marathon)
Aaand full circle! SHIPLAP
Alabama 45-TAMU 17