THANKS FOR COMING MERCER
What a nice time! Say what you will about cupcake games but it’s pretty nice to get straight to the party part of the college football experience rather than be concerning yourselves with the safety play of our team in the 4th quarter! We scored during my walk to the Strip! SORRY I WAS LATE but we did alright. Weird how the team doesn’t need me at all? How inconsiderate! That being said I adhere to MAGICAL THINKING (shoutout to Joan Didion who when writing a horribly sad book about grief & the death of her husband obviously thought about how I, a Crimson Tide and Joan Didion superfan, would conflate her traumatic narrative into how I feel about college football) so that’s pretty much the main reason I do ANY LAUNDRY AT ALL so I can make sure to wear a shirt that has a BETTER RECORD than other shirts!
Anyway, we got the holy emergence of DYLAN BY JEHOVAH MOSES just in time for Auburn which is a good thing because we need someone who can predict the future when it comes to groups of God-thing people obsessed with horticultural abuse.
I don’t really have much else to say about Mercer except I never knew how many people I knew who went to Mercer! Like FOUR people in my life went to Mercer! That’s so many people! It’s an orange you can sit with!
CHEAT DAY SNACK OF THE WEEK THANKSGIVING EDITION
Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you had a great holiday! Mine was great! I made a turkey! It turned out great! This was only the SECOND TURKEY I’ve ever made in my life but don’t worry because I have made at least SIX CAPONS. What is a capon you ask? It is a TINY BIRD that my grandmother gets every Christmas! I think it’s a castrated rooster? HERE COMES AN EASY WILL MUSCHAMP JOKE
Anyway, my #1 goal for Thanksgiving is to not wind up a BLACK TWITTER MEME. If a 17-year-old on Twitter ever told me “go season some food,” I would just shrivel up & die immediately. It is the most savage burn in the history of twitter burns (#2 is definitely U BUM). So you BEST BELIEVE I was extremely liberal with the black pepper and poultry seasoning!
Thanksgiving is great! Personally I am a MASHED POTATO KINDA GUY. Have you ever had mashed potatoes? They are great! Have you ever had PIE? Pie is good too!
Thanksgiving is always a good time because 1. NO GIFTS 2. People bring their A-game. Thanksgiving is not a time to try something new. It is time to bring out your tried & true butter bomb high starch recipes. You never hear “Oh, I figured I’d try out this new recipe” DON’T OVERTHINK IT AUNT ROBIN HIT US WITH THE BROCCOLI CASSEROLE
My cool wife is the smartest person I know because she got AUXILARY GRAVY specifically for our leftovers! I didn’t even know! I was like “oh no we’ll have to save this tiny bit of gravy leftover” & she was like “there’s a whole quart of it in the fridge” & did I make a lot of great decisions in our life OR WHAT
SPEAKING OF DECISIONS THAT ARE NOT GREAT WHY DID WE LET THESE GUYS HAVE A FOOTBALL TEAM
COULD YOU NOT
Look, we all knew this was going to happen. Auburn is always WACKY AND UNPREDICTABLE which is, like, the most predictable thing in the world. At the beginning of the season we were completely sure that by the Iron Bowl our misguided devil cousins from East Alabama would either be:
6-5 with a lameduck Gus
A TERRIFYING 9-2
AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED
There is absolutely no middle ground with these trickster gods. What a nightmare of a school. Why the hell did the state of Alabama even give them a land grant? Who DOES that, honestly!? I was going to say something about how I can’t believe that Alabama politicians didn’t think this through, but well, you know (doug jones for senator please please please)
Anyway, we’ve pretty much said everything there needs to be said about auburn and printed those SMACK TALK T-SHIRTS about it with really bad jokes on an incredibly low quality Gildan HEAVY BEEFY T that makes your nipples chaffe simply by walking at a slightly faster than regular pace.
What you need to know about Auburn is this: Auburn isn’t even on some plains. That’s some topographical FALSEHOODS. They’re referring to an Auburn in some weird foreign place called EUROPE which is so not roll tide. Also it’s based off of a POEM and let me tell you the only poem that belongs on a football field is James Wright’s Autumn Begins In Martin’s Ferry, Ohio because that poem is SAD and is like a much more depressing CATS IN THE CRADLE. We ain’t got no time for iambic pentameter in the SEC! I’d tell you to stick to LANDSCAPE ARCHITECTURE but those trees aren’t indigenous to the region so y’all don’t know JACK
Grrr I’m so mad that we have to play these dweebs every year. Thankfully, (much like the trees!) I am not indigenous to the region so I didn’t have to hear about the vaunted “hurry up no huddle offense’(™) while I’m just trying to see what the structural integrity of this corn casserole is under 2.5 cups of gravy over Thanksgiving, but I swear these goons hang over everything in life like a weird ass ghost eagle.
Auburn is like an episode of Black Mirror where you’re like “okay, technology is evil, I get it. Yes, okay, phones are spooky, sure, calm down illustration allocated to banksy even though banksy obviously doesn’t operate in that medium” but even though you KNOW there’s gonna be some morbid annoying ass shit, you’re still like OH GOD WHY even when the episodes are dumb as hell. Basically what I’m saying is that the Kick Six is where you’re like “okay I know this is an episode of black mirror so the twist is coming OH GOD THERE IT IS OH GOD NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMED I AM SUCH A SUCKER FOR TRUSTING COLLEGE FOOTBALL” and then you throw your phone and laptop out of your house because BLACK MIRROR
Gus Malzahn is the human equivalent of a subreddit filled with a whole bunch of mansplaining dickbags who are trying to explain their theories on where ISIS is going to attack next because they “took a bunch of criminal justice classes toward their major in undergrad” which is code for “I did not get a criminal justice degree in undergrad because I dropped out because college is so bourgeois man, I’m just so smarter than everyone there that’s why I work at momma goldbergs home of the soggy-ass sandwich an auburn original because who doesn’t love wet bread”
There’s a good chance that Gus has ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR on his way to Fayetteville! Homecoming for Gus & Kristi! Kristi is absolutely looking at multi-million dollar homes on some lakes that have a billion weird-ass angles and open floor plans without knowing that OL GUS has already bought his parents’ 2bd/1ba in Arkadelphia JIM HALPERT STYLE so LOOK ALIVE, BEASLEY
Auburn fans are the people on the internet who post a meme about “need a second lol” & then they’re like “triggered! Cry face cry face cry face” & then you’re like “Alabama has 16 national championships & we are gonna be very good this year” & they’re like “TYPICAL BAMA FAN” and basically what I’m saying is that Auburn fans might be bots OH GOD I FIGURED IT OUT
Anytime I say anything derogatory towards Auburn (like stating the fact that Aubs Eat Boogers) some RANDO BARNER pops up in my mentions to be like “oh you’re so classy,” & I’m like “lol” because there was definitely some meeting amongst Auburn alums where they were like “if you want to make an Alabama fan mad, passive aggressively call them “classy,” after they say something mean,” & you know what it’s pretty good strategy, but that DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I am absolutely not a person who walks around being like “wow I’m being so classy right now, look how great I am conducting myself” even though sometimes I ask for my beer IN A GLASS, but nah I’m good, Gene Chizik looks like a sad dentist, Cam Newton is a human Arkham Asylum game over screen whose name really is $cam & he might be the zodiac killer’s killer based on his generous use of cyrillic in his Instagram posts, Gus is still a shitty high school Health teacher who doesn’t know where the vas deferens are and Christian Okoye is better than Bo Jackson in Tecmo Super Bowl.
Apple products have gotten significantly worse since Tim Cook took over. AUBURN TOOK AWAY YOUR HEADPHONE JACK. Actually this makes perfect sense: Auburn’s offense is the football personification of Bluetooth. When it works it is a pretty convenient thing & appears somewhat magical, but for the most part it is a frustrating clunky piece of trash technology that you have to explain over the phone to your parents.
I don’t know who you are, chicken salad chick, but I hope you fall into an industrial size drum of mayonnaise augustus gloop style
ROY UPCHURCH FOREVER
These games are always weird, so let’s say
Bo Scarborough 11 yard run TOUCHDOWN (EXTRA POINT BLOCKED RETURNED FOR A SUCCESSFUL TWO POINT TRY BY THE DEFENSE) Alabama 6 – Auburn 2
JK Scott or Greece Lightning or whoever is going to kick for us is there another tiffin child does anyone know of any polish orphans we’re desperate here 48 YARD FIELD GOAL Alabama 9-Auburn 2
Picture perfect Carlson field goal dammit Alabama 9-Auburn 5
D’Shawn Hand SAFETY Alabama 11-Auburn 5
END OF GAME
Look, this game is probably going to be some awful mess that winds up like 46-42 or some BIG 12 nonsense because this is what happens when you go out & poach a Baylor QB. Could you imagine being recruited by Art Briles & being like “ah yes, this guy seems like a stand up citizen, I’d love to sling the ol’ pigskin around for ya coach” and THEN buying into the same North Arkansas snake oil that Gus bottled from the runoff of the Springdale Cargill Meat Solutions plant? I’m not one to judge the terrible decisions of a 20-year old but dude definitely watches Tomi Lahren videos on repeat on mute while his roommate is sleeping.
Aaaaand that’s about it! 12-0! AP National Champions! We don’t have to do anything else except chillax and hoist that beautiful Associated Press National Championship Trophy. Woo! ROLL TIDE
See you on University Boulevard! I’ll be the really drunk one in crimson! IT’S GONNA BE GREAT
Alabama 35-Auburn 24