WRITER IN RESIDENCE BRIAN OLIU IS BACK!
HOLY HELL DID YOU ENJOY THAT GREATEST HITS OF ALABAMA ANXIETY PAST
Wow! That game had everything! Did you want a team that controlled the clock for the majority of the game, daring moves? Or maybe you wanted a thousand penalties? Maybe a nightgame on the road as well as some questionable special team play? THIS GAME HAD IT ALL. NEW YORK’S HOTTEST NEW CLUB IS CALLED our offense to do just about everything possible to extend the game? Did you want a clutch DOINK from our otherwise trustworthy kicker? How about a white scrappy running quarterback pulling out some spin STARKVILLE
Thankfully, we had our usual big game Calvin Ridley doing literally everything EVER & Jalen getting sacked, getting sacked, then running for 42 yards, so WE ARE GUCCI
The game after LSU is always a massive emotional letdown! Many of our student-athletes are from Louisiana or are playing against guys who were in their same recruitment cycle & so it always JUST MEANS MORE (™). And then we win & we’re beat up & we have to play a team that bases their entire existence upon beating us, but not, like, their entire ENTIRE existence because the best thing about Mississippi State is that they always seem to care deeply but also don’t really care. They’re pretty chill! For FRIENDS OF THE PROGRAM Mississippi State is most definitely LOS INGOBERNABLES DE STARKVILLE
As an Alabama fan I am most definitely starting to get NERVOUS because I keep having moments where I’m like “Damn I really love this team” which typically means that we are not some evil death robot machine that murders every football team that dare step to this, but instead we have A HUMAN ELEMENT and we are CAPABLE OF LOVE which means we have lots of FORTITUDE and GRIT which means we have WEAKNESSES. In a lot of ways it reminds me of the 2015 team which was a REAL WONDERWHEEL LET ME TELL YOU WHAT that was quarterbacked by the human equivalent of Air Bud
Sometimes it’s hard to remember that our football team is not a West Alabama Doom Algorithm & that the team is made up of humans! 20 year old humans, no less! Weird, right? Did y’all go to college? ME TOO. Remember how tired you were all the time? So my students always take this course where they have to interview one of their professors about THEIR college experience & different pieces of advice & they’re always like “what were you like when you were a freshman?” & I’m always like “lol I was a vegetarian who only ate doritos and I got super obsessed with finally beating metal gear solid and I got maybe four hours of sleep a night BE LIKE ME KIDS I’M A ROLE MODEL” so basically it’s tough to remember that “all college football teams are made up of college football players, ergo all college football teams are kind of a flaky disaster at times which is what makes college athletics THE BEST. I can’t possibly comprehend trying to write the perfect story for my first college workshop, making sure I had enough mountain dew to last me through the end of the week before I had to go to the terrifying & shitty CVS on York Road, trying my hardest not to embarrass myself in front of hot colleen AND make sure I have all of my blocking assignments figured out so I don’t get called out on national television and/or cole cublic making fun of me via vine
There is something to be said about “seeing ourselves” in our idols, which is especially strange when one idolizes 1. A sports figure 2. Not only a sports figure but a sports institution. We like to imagine that we are infallible, yet we are also incredibly hard on ourselves–we expect excellence, but also fear the worst. Considering we now live in a world where all of our idols are terrible (& have always been terrible) it is especially shocking because we always try to see ourselves in the best traits of others; to have ourselves reflected in the sheer concept of Alabama football seems like a safer bet than most, especially as it transcends “the individual” into a larger collective; one that we very much feel a part of, despite simply just being a fan, or via the fact that we may or may not have received the same collegiate degrees that the players may or may not receive. We are a part of the team in a way that they are not a part of us, and somehow, as a result of this, we simply want to make ourselves that much more perfect in the hopes that we are called upon.
ANYWAY ROLL TIDE I AIN’T SCARED OF AUBURN
Cheat Day Snack of the Week
BACK 2 BACK BEVERAGES
Fuuuck yeah iced lattes. Specifically, the Dunkin Donuts Iced Latte with Caramel Swirl! You need to specify “caramel swirl” or else they’ll give you the CARAMEL SHOT which is just sugar alcohol & it tastes like one of those weird oil airfreshners you hook up to your car’s ventilation system.
Every Saturday I drive to Dunkin Donuts to get myself an iced latte! It is delicious! I am NOT a hot drinks drinker! No siree! It’s just not MY THING. Sure, I’ll have a BOMB ASS HOT CHOCOLATE during the holidays or a GLÜHWINE if I am at a Christmas Market buying tiny magical trinkets for my grandmother in the shadow of the Black Forest, but for the most part I do not mess with HOT COFFEE like I am the ESRB. Throw that shit over some FROZEN WATER THO & I am HERE. FOR. IT.
Do you remember when you were a kid & you were like “now I am a grownup now I drink coffee”? I DO. It stemmed entirely from crossing the river and going to WAWA after school where you could get a cappuccino from the weird hot beverage jager machine. I’m pretty sure I got the coffee to IMPRESS A LADY FRIEND but by the time I was a senior I was like “wow I am completely confident in myself and do not need the approval of anyone” & then I would get like 80% hot chocolate, 10% cappuccino, & 10% cherry icee. ADVANCED MOVE
Now I am a SUPER ADULT with a very sophisticated palate so I essentially get delicious sugar milk & start my gamedays off IN THE BEST DAY POSSIBLE
This is a very good thing because we have an 11am kickoff! YEAHHHHHHH! It’s gonna be awesome. I am so stoked. BRUNCHIN’ WITH THE DAVES
LAMBORGINI MERCER YOUR CHICK SHE SO THIRSTER
Welcome back to football, Mercer Bears! So apparently, Mercer really took it on the chin during WW2 & shuttered their football team for SEVENTY-TWO YEARS. Yikes! I mean, there’s nothing quite like having to spill blood preventing an evil racist axis from rising to power and wiping out everyone who doesn’t believe in their ideology off the face of the earth to get your priorities straight, but even NAVY fielded a team in 1942! NAVY! & they were BUSY!
SoCon cupcake games are pretty delightful because there are a billion tiny children around who are SO HYPE to go to an Alabama Football game. I am pretty psyched to have a tiny child! We will go to A LOT of Alabama sporting events. Though, like, the free ones where there won’t be drunk grumpy men who scream racial epithets when we only get 4 yards on first down. I have always wanted to be an Alabama Volleyball Season Ticket Holder & that dream is going to become a REALITY. My knowledge of volleyball is limited to SUPER SPIKE V-BALL for the NES so I guess this is all to say that I have a pretty great grasp on everything.
Mercer is a thing! All this time I was thinking they were from the shitlord capital of TENNESSEE but actually they’re just from Georgia! I realize this is because I was confusing them with the BELMONT BRUINS ye of NCAA tournament 15 seed fame. They are from Macon! My aunt got her law degree there! These are my facts about Mercer! The Allman Brothers! Sidney Lanier! Wikipedia.org!
Forgive me for looking past this game but it is OUR LAST HOMEGAME OF THE YEAR which is always a little sad but there’s also definitely a joy in being able to go to whichever central Tuscaloosa County restaurant your little heart desires! Finally, I can go back to Chuy’s and eat queso! Yessss
Yes, we must say goodbye to Bryant-Denny unless I can find someone to go watch the high school football championships with! I watched PAST KENTUCKY FOOTBALL QUARTERBACK Jalen Whitlow orchestrate a dope ass comeback against Hoover once! It was the opposite of bogus.
We will also not hear DIXIELAND DELIGHT at all this season AND THANK FUCKING GOD. That song suuuuucks. It’s sappy sentimental schlock. It mentions Tennessee! & don’t @ me with the whole THEY’RE REFERENCING THE TENNESSEE RIVER NOT THE STATE OF TENNESSEE because the only goddamn north Alabama river I recognize is the TOMBIGBEE & this has been DEBUNKED by Ronnie Rogers who was driving in TENNEGODDAMNSEE when he was struck with inspiration to write this trash travesty.
Now do not get me wrong–I would never sully the great name of the band Alabama who gave us the much better bop “My Home’s in Alabama,” or the vastly underrated “Christmas in Dixie” but jesus christ the lost cause hard-on some folks have for this jam, WOOF
(ED NOTE; YOU’RE WELCOME. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOURS)
The lyrics are a perfect microcosm of a heteronormative disaster train of a Southern stereotype in that they start off being like “I am driving my truck. Now we are having sex.” and then completely DERAILS and we have an entire verse talking about RANDOM GODDAMN ANIMALS THAT HE PRESUMABLY WANTS TO HUNT. Don’t believe me. TAKE IT AWAY
Whitetail buck deer munchin’ on clover
Red-tailed hawk sitting on a limb
Chubby ol’ groundhog
Free as a feeling in the wind
Home grown country girl
Gonna give me a whirl
On a Tennessee Saturday night
What is this ducks unlimited nonsense. Listen to some C-Murder, christ
I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME TO LISTEN TO YOU WHINE about how they should bring back Dixieland Delight because y’all the SAME MOTHERFUCKERS that talk about how “Alabama fans are very classy we are the classiest fanbase wow we win with such class act like you’ve been there before because we have so classy how not classy you are, i don’t understand how these other teams can’t win with class” but also desperately need to yell FUCK as loud as possible with 102,000 people. Hey look! Yelling FUCK AUBURN is pretty fun! But we can’t pretend to be a Walter Benjamin wet dream while participating in some university sanctioned CUSSIN’. Can’t have it both ways, goobers. Just cause you wear a Nike polo don’t mean you fancy. Save that shit for Jackie’s karaoke.
rammer jammer’s still pretty tight tho
Alabama 42 – Mercer 6