Fresno State, Tails and Trashcans
September 7, 2017
Rams, Donkeys. Basically we’re a livestock pod.
September 13, 2017


ED NOTE: yo, we don’t know what to call these but we think Brian Oliu is hella good & we’re thrilled af to have him class us up a little, so if you have any ideas, holler. WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU

Hello and roll tide! Whoa! Our team is pretty good! Weird!
Honestly, it was a strange disconnect watching the game on Saturday because we very much looked like THE SAME TEAM from last year because this is the first time we had the same quarterback since WEST ALABAMA SUSHI ENTREPRENEUR so in a lot of ways I felt like I was watching 2016 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP EXTENDED CUT which is NOT RATED (much like Texas A&M after this week heyooooo) but kept pretty much all of the horrifying terror from the original release! There was Jalen thinking he’s the fast person on the field when he’s the second fastest! There was questionable playcalling! There were field goal attempts that felt like death! It was GREAT!

We didn’t run a single jet sweep! You might say “it’s because Lane is gone!” because you’re a dumb-dumb. Real ones know it’s because Ardarius Stewart is gone & if he didn’t get at least seven touches a game, he was going to murder a graduate assistant with an ax! RUN IT TO THE EDGE / ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD
I was a ball of anxiety during the game! It operated like most of Alabama’s big games–you start thinking of all of the ways that you “could lose” & you wrap yourself up in a web of barf & then we go up two scores & it’s like someone hits the release valve on your asshole & you can chillax & by chillax I mean start drinking “celebration beers” instead of “sadness beers”. WOO FOOTBALL IS FUNNNN

Anyway, we are 1-0 in our new second-home (third home?) which is good because it would’ve been a weird PARANORMAL ACTIVITY situation where we come to the realization that WE ARE THE HAUNTED ONES not the weird LED lighted Home Depot Porygon.

Wow this has been a really spooky recap

Also my main dude Damien “DIY” Harris is straight up going to play every single position on the roster until you give him the goddamn respect he deserves.

Hotdogs are great. If you were like “hey Brian, do you want a steak or a hot dog” I’m going hot dog at least 8 times out of 10. 10 out of 10 if it’s a Hebrew National because those hot dogs do not mess around. One time when I was a kid a gas station opened up near our house (hey nah hey nah the hess truck’s back/fuck the jets) & they were giving away FREE HOTDOGS & my dad & I went! It was awesome. A grill & a bunch of petroleum? What’s the worst that can happen!?

I’m one of those weirdos who doesn’t eat bread six days out of the week so a lot of times I get a fancy sausage & use a fork and knife like a totally refined idiot. “Ah yes, this is the apple and fennel organic sausage, it is so decadent for a tube of meat, wow” BUT on Saturdays I’m like GIVE ME ALL OF THE BREAD PRODUCTS & then I eat like seven hot dogs & it is AWESOME.

The Denny Dog is a decent food item. I remember when I was in line to get into the ALABAMA HAWAII GAME (still not sure how we won that one tbh) & there was some dope in front of me who was like “I can’t wait to get inside and get my first Denny Dog of the season!” & I wanted to be like “bruh you know you can get hot dogs at publix for like 15 cents!” but the kid was SO HYPE about it. That’s true #emotion. I’m not sure if that kid ever got the hot dog or died of heat stroke and Colt Brennan threw his dead body into a volcano, but anyway where was I going with this

Anyway, hot dogs are awesome! Shout out to my friend JENIFER who made us hot dogs to get us FOOTBALL HYPE. Speaking of THE MOUNTAIN WEST

Oh geez, Fresno State is bad. Like, really bad. Like, worst team we’ve played in the Saban era since we did our bud Bill Curry a solid even though he left us in our time of need to go coach something called “Kentucky Football”.

My friend Eric went to Fresno! He used to be a professional skateboarder! This is literally all I know about Fresno State. One time I saw former Tide punter CODY MANDELL cruisin’ down University Boulevard on a longboard, aka “a skateboard for people who don’t know how to skateboard” OR “a segway for people who can’t afford a segway”. One time I got a skateboard for Christmas and my cousin and I spent at least thirty minutes using skate wax on the curb outside of his house so that we could RISE AND GRIND but then we both had a lot of difficulty simply standing on the board! It’s all good though because I got really good at Tony Hawk Pro Skater in high school! JERRY JEUDY WAS A RACE CAR DRIVER

DID YOU KNOW Fresno State has the #1 Rushing Defense in the COUNTRY? They held something called an “Incarnate Word” to NEGATIVE SEVEN rushing yards! Incarnate Word might be the worst football team in FCS. They would get absolutely wrecked by any high level DII team. But hey, THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE
Fresno State’s Bulldog logo is swole af though

Anyway, these cupcake games are like when you’re in the school level and you have to wall-grind on all of the bells and Bob Burnquist keeps getting stuck on those stupid pipes and it’s kind of annoying but completely necessary in order to 100% the game. It builds character, or something. Meanwhile you hope that rumor about falling down too many times results in PERMADEATH isn’t true because there’s a good chance that while you’re attempting a darkslide you might shred an elbow or shoulder thanks to a roll call rail chop block.

Alabama 52 – Fresno State – 0


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